Joke for today?

[eastendlu]

EFFECTIVE AUGUST 1, 2008

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.



Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.

Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place.

In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.

We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.


Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.

At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.

After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category.

Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.



Lunch Break: (Love this one)

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here
to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.

[eastendlu]

Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a
> break in their soon-to-be new store.
>
> As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few
> shelves set up.
>
> One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some
> idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the
> window, and ask what we're selling.'
>
> No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure
> enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a
> peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked, 'What might
> ye be sellin' here?'
>
> One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're
> selling a**-holes.'
>
>
> Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said,
> 'You're doin' well ... only two left!'

[fishsmith]

Time for unity...
There are less than four months until the election that will decide the next President of the United States. Let's show our solidarity as Americans, let everyone know you are voting....

Be proud show your fellow Americans your choice.

If you support John McCain, please drive with your headlights on during the day.


If you support Obama, please drive with your headlights off at night.

Thank you for your participation in this patriotic endeavor

[Van]

A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small town. He's going through his usual run of off-colour and 'dumb blonde' jokes when a well-dressed blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and shouts:

'I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes, you jerk!
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What
connection can a person's hair colour possibly have with their
fundamental worth as a human being?' 'It's morons like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential, because you and your Neanderthal brethren continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs.' 'You are a pathetic, misogynistic relic of the past, and what you do is not only contrary to discrimination laws in every civilized country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot.'

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde
yells:

'You stay out of this mister!
I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee.'

[redcrbbr]

Mike and Bob had just finished the first nine holes in their round of golf, and it was obvious that Mike was having an awful day.

"Gee Mike, you're just not your old self today. What's the matter?" asked Bob.

Mike, looking pretty glum, said, "I think Connie's dead."

"My God! That's terrible," said Bob, "but you said you only THINK your wife is dead. Aren't you sure?"

"Well, I just don't know" responded Mike, "the sex is still the same, but the dishes are piling up."

[fishbones]

John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up
at the same barbershop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different
barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were even afraid to start a
conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who
had Obama in his chair reached for the after shave.
Obama was quick to stop him, saying: 'No thanks,
my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've
been in a whorehouse.'

The second barber turned to McCain and said:
'How about you?' McCain replied: "Go ahead.
My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse
smells like."

[redcrbbr]

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW
to find the headlights broken and considerable damage.

There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper.

"Sorry, I just backed into your Beemer.

The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars.

But I'm not."

[redcrbbr]

An old, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring
at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said,
'We'll take it.

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check'. I know you need to make
sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the
ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'


All Seniors Aren't Senile