Joke for today?

[justplugit]

Why Worry?

If you get sick your either going to get well or get worse.

If you get well, why worry?

If you get worse your either going to live or die.

If you live, why worry?

If you die your either going to heaven or hell.

If you go to heaven, why worry?

If you go to hell,
you'll be so busy saying hello to your old friends you won't have time to worry.

[BxBomber]

Well since Crash is getting married....
What's the difference between married men and single men???



A single man comes home, looks in the fridge then gets into bed, a married man comes home looks in the bed, then goes to the fridge

[nightfighter]

oh yeah....

[gone fishin]

Be Careful - A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot Customer
customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out

shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite

traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to

you or your friends.


Here's how the scam works: Two very hot 20-21 year-old girls come

over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both

start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts

almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to

look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and

instead

ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the backseat.


On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs

over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other

one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,

20th & 24th. Also July 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th,

three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.


So tell your friends to be careful.



P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale 2.99 each.

[FishermanTim]

Gone fishin, I had to control myself to keep from howling out loud at work. That's a good one!

[afterhours]

[eastendlu]

THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK





FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband
didn't say a word...
he knew better.


SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men’s balls'

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter
asked if we needed any help.
I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day,
my sister has never let me forget.


FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release

some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be

punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma
that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with
my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.


FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said 'No'.
I kept thinking
'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.'
Then I said,
'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident?

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks
and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he
calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the

weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they
were laughing so hard!

[eastendlu]

EFFECTIVE AUGUST 1, 2008

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.



Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.

Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place.

In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.

We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.


Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.

At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.

After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category.

Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.



Lunch Break: (Love this one)

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here
to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.

[eastendlu]

Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a
> break in their soon-to-be new store.
>
> As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few
> shelves set up.
>
> One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some
> idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the
> window, and ask what we're selling.'
>
> No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure
> enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a
> peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked, 'What might
> ye be sellin' here?'
>
> One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're
> selling a**-holes.'
>
>
> Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said,
> 'You're doin' well ... only two left!'

[fishsmith]

Time for unity...
There are less than four months until the election that will decide the next President of the United States. Let's show our solidarity as Americans, let everyone know you are voting....

Be proud show your fellow Americans your choice.

If you support John McCain, please drive with your headlights on during the day.


If you support Obama, please drive with your headlights off at night.

Thank you for your participation in this patriotic endeavor

[Van]

A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small town. He's going through his usual run of off-colour and 'dumb blonde' jokes when a well-dressed blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and shouts:

'I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes, you jerk!
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What
connection can a person's hair colour possibly have with their
fundamental worth as a human being?' 'It's morons like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential, because you and your Neanderthal brethren continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs.' 'You are a pathetic, misogynistic relic of the past, and what you do is not only contrary to discrimination laws in every civilized country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot.'

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde
yells:

'You stay out of this mister!
I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee.'

[Swimmer]

Originally Posted by nightfighter

oh yeah....

[eastendlu]

And then the fight started









My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started.

================================================== ====================

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary..
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds."

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started.


================================================== ===================
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...

And then the fight started....

================================================== ===================

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet
at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go
home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

================================================== =============

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

================================================== ==========

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you
just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

[Van]

The doctor said,
'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go u nder the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was
missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I
need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,
'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 w ould press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

[eastendlu]

Top 10 things you can only say at



Thanksgiving!


10. Talk about a huge breast!


9. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.


8. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!


7. That's one terrific spread!


6. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?


5. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!


4. Don't play with your meat.


3. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!


2. How long will it take after you stick it in?


and the Number #1 thing you can only say on
Thanksgiving....

1. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

[eastendlu]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his
attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle
and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a
demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite
my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can
bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three
grand, with
Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six
thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks
carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a
major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa
told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'

[eastendlu]

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 01, 2008

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 pm. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty




================================================== ==========================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 02, 2008

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we’re calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty





================================================== ==========================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director


TO: All Employees

DATE: October 03, 2008

RE: Holiday Party


Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ...

You didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.





================================================== ==========================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 04, 2008

RE: Generic Holiday Party


What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.
Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men; each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!


Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty




================================================== ==========================


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F#$&*ng Employees


DATE: & nbsp; October 05, 2008

RE: The F*%#ing Holiday Party


I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!!
We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fu&*^%g salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.
They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you fu@*&ng weirdos can kiss my *ss.
I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B* from HE*^!!!!!!!!





================================================== ==========================


FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: October ; 06, 2008

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan

[eastendlu]

Five surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on.

The first surgeon says: "I like to see accountants on my operating table
because when open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds: "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is colour-coded."

The third surgeon says: "No, I really think librarians are the best;
Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know I like engineers; Those guys always
understand if you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no
balls, no brains and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are
interchangeable."

[eastendlu]

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, If after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question was: What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, And to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, He accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.


He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: The princess, the priests, the wise men, and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, For only she would have the answer. But the price would be high as the witch was famous through out the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.


The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, The most noble of the Knights of the Round Table, And Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunch-backed and hideous, had only one tooth, Smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc.
He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden,
But Lancelot, having learnt of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life. And the reservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered. Arthur's question thus: "What a woman really wants?"

She said, "Is to be in charge of her own life."
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth. And that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was.
The neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom.
And Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.


The honeymoon hour approached and, Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom.
But, what a sight awaited him.
The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed.
The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, She would henceforth be her horrible and deformed self only half the time. And the beautiful maiden the other half.
"Which would you prefer? She asked him. "Beautiful during the day ..... or at night?"

Lancelot pondered the predicament.
During the day he could have a beautiful woman to show off to his friends,
But at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch!
Or,
Would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day?
But by night a beautiful woman for him to share his thoughts, intimate moments with?


(If you are a man reading this...) What would YOUR choice be?
(If you are a woman reading this) What should YOUR MAN'S choice be?

What Lancelot chose, is given below:
BUT... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below... OKAY?






ê
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ê





Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, He said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time. Because, he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now... what is the moral to this story?






ê
ê
ê
ê
ê
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ê
ê
The moral is...
1) There is witch in every woman no matter how beautiful she is! (No offence meant)
2) If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly.

So, always remember:

IT'S EITHER "HER WAY" OR IT'S "NO WAY" !!!

HAHAHAHAHAHA

[spinncognito]

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart for Christmas, but they had not been dating very long. After careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year! I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night."

All my love.

P.S- it is the latest trend to wear them a bit rolled up as to show a little fur!

[redcrbbr]

My Favorite Christmas Cookie Recipe:



Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one Level Cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer... Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to Make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup...just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor...

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.

Cherry Mistmas

[fishaholic18]

A beautiful blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer,

decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby

well-to-do neighbourhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any

odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How

much will you charge me?'

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she

would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she

realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'

The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all

those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.

'Yes', the blonde replied, 'and I even had paint left over, so I gave it

two coats.'

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it

to her along with a ten dollar tip.

'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'

[spinncognito]

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied,
'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said,
'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said,
'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked,
'What ya gonna do with him?'
Chuck said,
'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said,
'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said,
'Sure I can Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked,
'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said,
'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.00.'
The farmer said,
'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said,
'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works for the government

[fishaholic18]

Lovemaking tips for Seniors

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

(I sent this in large type so you can read it.)

[eastendlu]

ITALIAN VIRGIN

Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin.
On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house,

she was very nervous.
Her mother reassured her; "Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man.

Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile,

I'll be making pasta."
So, up she went.

When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.
Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says,

"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother,

"all good men have hairy chests.
Go back upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again.

When she got up in the bedroom,

Tony took off
his pants exposing his hairy legs.

Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother.
"Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants

and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry !
All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man.
G o back upstairs and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again.

When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on
his left foot he was missing three toes.

When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.

"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half !"

Her Mama said, "You stay here and stir the pasta....."

[Nebe]

Remember the plane that went down in the hudson?? These geese were seen fleeing the scene..

[eastendlu]

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.



The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.



Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!



The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.

HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.

HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.

HE paid for our house at the lake.

HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'



Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?



The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.'

[redcrbbr]

airline class

[missing link]

I like that one