Joke for today?

[fishaholic18]

> Chuck forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at
> him. Claudia told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
> driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."
> The next morning, Chuck got up really early. When his wife woke up a couple
of
> hours later, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a small
> gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the
Claudia
> put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took the box into the house.
She
> opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale. Chuck is not yet well enough
> to have visitors.

[HighTide]

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length o f the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him,and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?"

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

.

.

"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"

[Swimmer]

A man drowned in a tub of milk with a banana in his ear. Authorities suspect a cereal killer.

A toilet was stolen from the precinct. Police have nothing to go on.

Someone broke a hole in the nudist colonys fence. Police are looking into it.

[eastendlu]

[BW from AZ]

The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton (HRC) are on the same stage, in front of a huge crowd.

'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in this crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.



The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, Considers what he should do. "That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me……."

So the Pope slapped her upside the head.

[justplugit]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big old walnut tree inside the cemetery fence.

One day two boys, filled up a bucket of nuts and sat by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you" one for me".One for you one for me" said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding by on his bike. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.

He slowed down to investigate.. Sure enough he heard, "One for you, One for me, One for you One for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped on his bike and rode off.

Just around the corner he met an old man with a cane.
"Come here quick," said the boy, you won't believe what i heard!

"Satan and the Lord are down in the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "beat it kid can't you see i can hardly walk!"

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard,"one for you One for me. One for you one for me...."

The old man whispered, "Boy you've been telling the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were unable to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard,"One for you One for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to Town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

[eastendlu]

Whether Democrat or Republican, I think you'll get a kick out of
this!
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the
Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the
People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has
said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up
to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother
asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his
father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I
think I understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you
think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working
Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep %$%$%$%$.