Joke for today?

[In The Surf]

Walking The Dog

A little girl asks her mom if she can take the dog for a walk around the block. Mom replies no because because the dog is in heat. What's that mean asks the little girl, mom replies go ask your father I think he is in the garage. The little girl goes to the garage and says dad can I take Belle for a walk around the block, I asked mom but she said Belle was in heat and to come ask you. He says bring Belle over here, he then soaks a rag in gasoline and rubs it on the dogs backside. He then says she's all set now, make sure to keep her on the leash and only go once around the block. The little girl leaves and returns a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised dad asks, where's Belle? The little girl replies, Belle ran out of gas about half way around the block and that another dog was pushing her home!

[tynan19]

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a
young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a
chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on
top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's
probably spent a lot
of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he
kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do
whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very
dangerous.
If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in
my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had
any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I
love you, too!"

[fishaholic18]

Questions that really need answers...

1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think
I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm
gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song
about him?

5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time,
but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if
they are going to look up there anyway?

8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme stuff,
why didn't he just buy dinner?

10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from
morons?

13 Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have
the same tune?

14. Why are you singing it to yourself? you didn't believe
me?..........

15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he
gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his
head out the window?

17. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it
arrive faster?

18. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

19. Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address in the
first place?

[fishaholic18]

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico.

Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.


The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.


The European community (except France) is sending food and money. The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million

> >replacement Mexicans

[reelecstasy]

One day, in line at the
company cafeteria, Joe says
to Mike, "My elbow hurts like
crazy. I guess I better see a
doctor."



"Listen, you don't have to
spend that kind of money,"
Mike replies. "There's a
diagnostic computer down at
Wal-Mart. Just give it a
urine sample and the computer
will tell you what's wrong
and what to do about it. It
takes ten seconds and costs
ten dollars... a lot cheaper
than a doctor."



So Joe puts a urine sample
in a small jar and takes it
to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten
dollars, and the computer
lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the
sample into the slot and
waits.



Ten seconds later, the
computer ejects a printout:



"You have tennis elbow. Soak
your arm in warm water and
avoid heavy activity. It will
improve in two weeks.Thank
you for shopping at Wal-Mart."



That evening while thinking
how amazing this new
technology was, Joe began
wondering if the computer
could be fooled.



He mixed some tap water, a
stool sample from his dog,
urine samples from his wife
and daughter, and a sperm
sample for good measure. Joe
hurried back to Wal-Mart,
eager to check the results.



He deposited ten dollars,
poured in his concoction, and
awaited the results.



The computer then prints the
following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm.
Bathe him with anti-fungal
shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better.

Thank you for shopping at
Wal-Mart

[The Dad Fisherman]

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Robert decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a singles bar and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

"Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but within a month or two, my father will pass and I'll inherit over 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Robert, and four days later she became his stepmother.

[Van]

This guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me, but every time I fart, it sounds like the word HONDA."

"That's very interesting, I've never heard of anything like that before. Do you think you could fart for me?" says the doctor.

The guy fires one off and sure enough, the doctor hears "HONDA!"

After several attempts to figure out what's wrong with this guy, the doctor runs out of ideas. He sends him to all sorts of stomach specialists and none of them can figure out why this guy’s farts say, "HONDA."

Finally, as a last resort, the doctors send him to a dentist. After listening to the problem, the dentist opens up the guys mouth and examines it.

"A-haa!!!!,” says the dentist, "....I have solved the problem."

"What is it? What is it. Please tell me doc"

The dentist replies "Well, sir, you have an abscessed tooth."

"Yeah....so?", says the guy, "What has that got to do with my farts?"

The dentist replies . . .

"Cant you see…Abscess Makes The Fart Go HONDA"