Joke for today?

[fishaholic18]

Poker Game

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?" They cut cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet; be gentle; don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me." Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door.
The wife answers and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" says the wife. "I'll go tell him," says Goldberg.

[reelecstasy]

[fishermom]

> A Married Irishman
>
> A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I
> almost had an affair with another woman."
> The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
> The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then
I
> stopped."
> The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're
not
> to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put
$50
> in the poor box."
> The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over
> to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
> The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that.
> You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
> The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according
> to you, that's the same as putting it in.
>
>

[spinncognito]

Corporate Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel,"

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."

Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

[Nebe]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home. Maybe at work.)

The male pray mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig. can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the Tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing.................... )

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??

[Starfish]

Originally Posted by Eben

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

I resent that comment.
Wicked funny though!

[fishsmith]

A Red Sox fan used to amuse himself by scaring every Yankee fan he
saw strutting down the street in the obnoxious NY pinstripe shirt. He
would swerve his van as if to hit them, and swerve back just missing
them.One day, while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he
would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going Father?"
"I'm going to give mass at St. Francis church, about 2 miles down the
road" replied the priest. "Climb in, Father! I'll give you a lift!"
The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down
the road.
Suddenly, the driver saw a Yankee fan walking down the road, and he
instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back
into the road just in time.
Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard
a loud "THUD".
Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors
but still didn't see anything. He then remembered the priest, and he
turned to the priest and said, "Sorry Father, I almost hit that Yankee
fan."
"That's OK," replied the priest, "I got him with the door"


GO SOX!!!