Joke for today?

[fishsmith]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 57th birthday.
She spends $10,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home she stops at a news-stand to buy a paper.
Before leaving she asks the salesclerk "I hope you don't mind my asking,
but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," the clerk replies. "I'm
actually 57," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonalds and asks the
counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I am 57!"

Now she is feeling really good about herself. While waiting
for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me feel your boobs. Then, I can tell exactly how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity
got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead".
The old man slips both hands under her blouse and begins to feel around.
After several minutes she says, Okay, how old am I?" He removes his hands slowly and says, "You are 57."

Stunned, the woman says, "That is amazing. How do you know?"
The old man replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

[bloocrab]

A guy was sitting quietly reading his magazine
when his wife walked up behind
him and whacked him on the head with a newspaper.
What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou
written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the
horses I bet on," he explained.

Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good
explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and
hit him in the head again, this time with the iron
skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

She replied "Your horse called."

[Van]

This is not a joke, but a great idea. I'm sure we all know someone who deserves this. Enjoy...


Subject: Classic Anger Management

>
> This is diabolical! ( and yet, strangely satisfying.... )
>
>
> For all of you who occasionally have a really bad
> day and you just need to
> take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone
> you know, take it out
> on someone you don't know.
> I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone
> call I had forgotten to
> make. I found the number, and dialed it. A man
> answered saying, "Hello?"
>
> I politely said, "This is Bob, could I please speak
> with Robin?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so
>
> rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number, and
> called her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number).
>
> After hanging up with her, I decided to call the
> 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an a-hole!" and hung up.
>
> I wrote his number down, with the word 'a-hole'
> next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him. He'd answer and I'd yell, "You're an a-hole
>
> It always cheered me up.
>
> When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'a-hole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John
> Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling
> to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?"
>
> He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I
> quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a-hole
>
> So, one day I was at the store, getting ready to
> pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently
>
> waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had
> been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.
>
> A couple of days later, right after calling the
> first a-hole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW a-hole too. I dialed and someone said, "Hello?"
>
> I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for
> sale?"
>
> "Yes it is."
>
> "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
>
> "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow
> house and the car's parked right out front."
>
> "What's your name?" I asked.
>
> "My name is Don Hansen," he said.
>
> "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
>
> "I'm home every evening after five."
>
> "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
>
> "Yes?"
>
> "Don, you're an a-hole
>
> Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed
> dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two a-holes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
>
> So, I came up with an idea: I called a-hole #1.
>
> "Hello"
>
> "You're an a-hole! (but I didn't hang up.)
>
> "Are you still there?" he asked.
>
> "Yeah," I said.
>
> "Stop calling me," he screamed.
>
> "Make me," I said.
>
> "Who are you?" he asked.
>
> "My name is Don Hansen."
>
> "Yeah, where do you live?"
>
> a-hole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow
> house with my black Beemer out front."
>
> He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you
> had better start saying your prayers."
>
> I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a-hole
>
> Then I called a-hole # 2:
>
> "Hello?" he said.
>
> "Hello a-hole, I said.
>
> He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
>
> "You'll what?" I said.
>
> "I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
>
> I answered, "Well, a-hole, here's your chance. I'm
> coming over right now."
>
> Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police
> saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
>
> Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war
> going down on West 34th Street.
>
> I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th
> St. There, I saw two a-holes beating the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.
>
> Now, I feel better.
>

[JohnR]

That was pretty friekin' hilarious

[Van]

I would love to do that so some people I unfortunately know..

[Van]

1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans well

2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money


3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex

4. It is important that these three women never meet.

[redcrbbr]

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast.
"Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast
and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken
the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime, she asks if he would
like something. "A bowl of homemade soup, homemade muffins
or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires.

He declines. "The Viagra," he says,
"really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
Would you like maybe a steak and apple pie?
Maybe you'ld like a microwaved pizza or a tasty stir-fry
that would only take a couple of minutes?

He declines. "Naw, still not hungry."
"Well," she says,
"would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

[Katie]

Don't Have a joke but red thats a good one....lol

[fishweewee]

Q: Why can't Miss Piggy count to seventy?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.A: Because when she gets to sixty-nine, she has a frog in her throat.

[redcrbbr]

ALLIGATOR WARNING
Due to the extreme drought in Florida, the following caution was issued: The Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Bay, Seminole, Osceola, Polk, Brevard and Orange Counties. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator. It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity. People should recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator droppings. Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

[STEVE IN MASS]

This may have been around, but what the heck:

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN THE OFFICE, AREN'T:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!
5. HMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but at the office isn't:
1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!


TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN A LAW FIRM AREN'T:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge.
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law isn't
1. Think you can get me off?


TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT IN GOLF AREN'T:

10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't
1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first

[Van]

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

> 2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
> A. '66 Ford Fairlane
> B. '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
> C. '64 Pontiac GTO

> 3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

> 4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2,700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees?

> 5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12
> simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?

> 6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

> 7. A man owns an Arkansas house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15 degrees. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

> 8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain?
For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have
> mufflers and uncracked windshields?

> 9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camel cigarettes will be smoked during the shift?

> 10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?

[JohnR]

>One Wish
>
>Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape
>from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's
>provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping

>that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the
>amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth.
>
>This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one
>wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter

>the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!"
>
>The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the

>entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
>
>Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on
>the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

>
>One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted.
>After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now
>we're going to have to piss in the boat!"

[Goose]

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to
take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the
rake. He yells up to his wife, to look out the window
and says, "Where is the rake?"
She can't hear him and shouts back,"What?"
The man first points to his eye, then points to his
knee and finally makes a raking motion.The wife is not sure and says,"What?"
The man repeats his gestures, ... points to his eye,
then points to his knee... and finally makes a raking
motion..."EYE KNEE THE RAKE"!
The wife understands and signals back.
She first points to her eye... next she points to
her left breast...then she points to her butt... and
finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come
close to understanding that one.Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her "What in
the friggin'hell was that?!!"
She replies; EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH

>

[bloocrab]

...went fishing with Goose last night...




....We got approached by a #@$@#$ police officer...




...."YOUR NOT FISHING RIGHT NEXT TO THAT SIGN THAT SAYS...NO FISHING....ARE YOU!!!????".....






......"ummm.......NO"....

[fishsmith]

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law.

During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died.

With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00.

The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00.

George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."

The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."

"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance!"

[Van]

Sam and Bessie are senior citizens and Sam always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different
about me?"

"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants. What's different?"

Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different?"

"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down tomorrow."

Angrily Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!!!!!"

Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!"

[bloocrab]

The
priest, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as
his
subject.

After a long sermon, he asked how many were
willing to forgive their
enemies. About half held up their hands. Not
satisfied he harangued for
another twenty minutes and repeated his
question.

This time he received a response of about 80
percent.

Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes
and repeated his
question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all
responded except one
elderly lady in the rear.

"Mrs.
Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have
any."
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety
three."

"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the
congregation how a
person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an
enemy in the world."

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered
down the aisle, very slowly turned
around and said: "It's easy, I just
outlived the bitches."

[redcrbbr]

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked".

"I only came to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill.

[STEVE IN MASS]

Good one, but the real joke of the day happened in Foxboro today......

[bloocrab]

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the
large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with
names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the
pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning,
Alex."
"Good morning," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"What is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the
service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's
voice was trembling and barely audible when he asked, " which service, the
8:30 or the 10:00?"

[Van]

You know your driving too fast when....

[bloocrab]

Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over
at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big!

I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue." With that he proceeded to get
a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife
was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is
two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!" The wife chooses to ignore her
husband. Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes
some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's
wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill
for one tiny little sausage?"

[bloocrab]

The blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired
of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are
perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her
husband that blondes really are smart. While her
husband is off at work, she decides that she is going
to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day,
right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down
to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30
and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks
into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is
wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies
yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she
wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are
dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He
then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur
coat. She replies that she was reading the directions
on the paint can, and they said...


> > >>>>>

> > >>>>>

> > >>>>>

> > >>>>>

> > >>>>> FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS

[MountainBreeze]

The manager of a tackle shop was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from college. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment and replied, "Everything but my earrings!"

[redcrbbr]

Harley's
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>>Arthur Davidson, inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle
>>>Corporation,
>>>>>>died and went to heaven.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a
>good
>>>man
>>>>>>and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you
>can
>>>>>hang
>>>>>
>>>>>>out
>>>>>>with anyone you want in Heaven."
>>>>>>Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said "I want to
hang
>>out
>>>>>>with God."
>>>>>>
>>>>>>St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to
>God.
>>>>>>Arthur then asked God, " Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"
>>>>>>God said, "Ah, yes."
>>>>>>"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have
some
>>>major
>>>>>>design flaws in your invention.
>>>>>>1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
>>>>>>2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
>>>>>>3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
>>>>>>4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust.
>>>>>>5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."
>>>>>>
>>>>>>"Hummmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold
>>on."
>>>>>>
>>>>>>So God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few
words
>>and
>>>>>>waited for the results.
>>>>>>The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
>>>>>>"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to
>>>Arthur,
>>>>>>"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my
invention
>>than
>>>>>>yours!"
>>>

[redcrbbr]

A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father
said,
"Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."

A few minutes later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran
back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be
quiet."

The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my
feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a
muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and
held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed
the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.
But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we
eat them here or take them with us?' Well, I guess I just panicked."

[Fish_n_Dive]

An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin. He ordered three pints of
Guinness, sat in the back of the room, and drank a sip out of each one
in turn. When he finished them, he came back to the bar and ordered
three more.

The bartender asked him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. It
would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replied, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all
left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days
when we drank together."

The bartender admitted that this was a nice custom, and left it there.

The Irishman became a regular in the bar, and always drank the same way.
One day, he came in and ordered two pints. All the other regulars
noticed and fell silent.

When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said,
"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I want to offer my
condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looked confused for a moment, then a light dawned in his
eye and he laughed. "Oh, no, everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

[Fish_n_Dive]

One day three men walked into a
pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they
were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in
each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The first man pushed his beer away in disgust.

The Second man fished the fly out of his beer, and continued
drinking it, as if nothing had happened.

The third man, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out
over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT!! SPIT IT OUT
YOU B$%@#$*!!!!"

[redcrbbr]

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the
other and says "dam".
---------------------------------
Two
fish are in a tank.
One
says to the other, "I'll man the guns, you drive."