Joke for today?

[Van]

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked,


"What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
>
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
>
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
>
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
>
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
>
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a
divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a
divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

[Katie]

He didn't become a champion jockey by hanging around woods and playing with nuts you know.

[redcrbbr]

Subject: DID YOU KNOW.....


Did you know that?

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hummm....I won't touch THAT one!)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...? -- did the govt. pay for this research??)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that too)

Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second? William Jefferson Clinton.

And, the best for last.....Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(Do you think they have bad breath?)

[Jenn]

Subject: I'M SORRY




To My Dear Friend
the Dog:




I am so sorry about you being sent to the dog pound for the broken lamp which you did not break;
the fish you did not spill; and the carpet that you did not wet; or the wall that you did not dirty with red paint...

Things here at the house are calmer now, and just to show you that I have no hard feelings towards you, I am sending you a picture, so you will always remember me.



Best regards,
The Cat

[Jenn]

Sorry guys....Blame it in Adam!


Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very
lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he
didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make
Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will
cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for
you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she
will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was
wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!
She will bear your children.
and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take
care of them.
"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love
and passion whenever you need it.
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"


God replied, "An arm and a leg."



Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"


Of course the rest is history

[mikecc]

Here is a Red Neck House Boat

[mrmacey]

>>
> >>HOW BLONDE WAS SHE?
> >>
> >>She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
> >>She thought a quarterback was a refund.
> >>She thought General Motors was in the Army.
> >>She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
> >>She thought Boyz II Men was a day-care center.
> >>At the bottom of an application where it says "sign here," she
> >>wrote
> >>"Scorpio."
> >>
> >>She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
> >>She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
> >>She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
> >>She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
> >>She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
> >>Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on
> >>Phonics".
> >>
> >>She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
> >>She tripped over a cordless phone.
> >>She spent 20 minutes looking at an orange juice can because it said
> >>"Concentrate."
> >>She told someone to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T
> >>WALK."
> >>She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
> >>She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
> >>
> >>She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
> >>She studied for a blood test.
> >>She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
> >>She sold the car for gas money.
> >>When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
> >>When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport
> >>Left,"
> >>she turned around and went home.
> >>
> >>She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
> >>When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she
> >>moved.
> >>She thought Taco Bell was Mexico's phone company.
> >>She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
> >>She thought she could only use her AM radio in the morning.
> >>She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This
> >>Goes
> >>In Front"
> >>
> >>- Author Unknown
> >
>
>
>

[fishsmith]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he
settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding
the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight toward
his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to
strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. The Annual
Sexual Education Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous
woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a
meeting for sex education!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly
asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to
debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

Really," he said. "What myths are those?"

"Well," she explained. "One popular myth is that
African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it's the
Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another
popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the
men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover
in all categories is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable
and blushed. "I'm sorry."
she said. "I shouldn't really be discussing this
with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said.
"Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."

[Mr. Sandman]

Don't you just love boating?

[redcrbbr]

theres a boat in that pic?????????

[Van]

Nice PIC....

Ok for another joke>>.....

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner. He was upstairs, like all men are when there is work to be done, sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl, warmed the contents slightly and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't take any notice of you".

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

[Jenn]

Two men are driving through Newfoundland when they get pulled over by a
Newfie Mountie. The mountie walks up and taps on the window with his
nightstick, the driver rolls down the window and "WHACK", the Mountie smacks
him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "what the hell was that
for?" The Mountie says, "You're in Newfoundland my son. When we pulls you
over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car." The
driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here." The Mountie
runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his
license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.
The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the Mountie smacks him up
side the head with the nightstick too. The passenger says, "What'd you do
that for?" The Mountie says, "Just making your wish come true." The
Passenger says, "huh?" The Mountie says, "I knows that two miles down the
road you're gonna say, "I wish that a$%#@*& would've tried that s#@% with
me!"

[Mr. Kav]

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A BATH


1. Thoroughly clean toilet.
2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.
3. Find and soothe the cat as you carry him to bathroom.
4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top, so cat cannot escape.
5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this)
6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.
7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as
possible and quickly lift both lids.
8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he
will air dry.

Sincerely,
The Dog

[Katie]

Oh my gosh... that is hilarious! lol

[Fish_n_Dive]

FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!

[fishweewee]

Passing this one on. Funny moral.

-WW

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart,time for you to retire." The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You're washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just to be fair I will give you a head start." The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!

[redcrbbr]

Subject: THE FRENCH



Subject: French jokes doing the rounds today...
> >
> >
> >
> > How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
> > Nobody knows, they have never tried it.
> >
> > The French have just ordered a new national flag.
> > It's a white cross on a white background.
> >
> > Why did the French plant trees on the Champs Elysées?
> > So the Germans could march in the shade.
> >
> > Where do you find 60million French jokes?
> > In France.
> >
> > What's the difference between a Wonderbra and the French World Cup
> > squad?
> > A Wonderbra has decent support, and a cup.
> >
> > What is the difference between Frenchmen and toast?
> > You can make soldiers out of toast.
> >
> > Define confusion.
> > Father's Day in Paris.
> >
> > What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
> > Philippe Flop
> >
> > What is the first thing you are taught when joining the French army?
> > To say 'I surrender' in German.
> >
> > Why was Jesus not born in France?
> > Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.
> >
> > A British, American and French soldier were offered a wish each by a
> > genie
> > after rubbing a lamp they found while training in the desert.
> > The British soldier said: 'I want to be in the Bahamas with a Page 3
> > girl.'
> > The American said: 'I want to be in Hawaii with a hula dancer and a
> > crate of beer.'
> > After they were whisked off, the French soldier thought for a moment and
> > said: 'I wish the Brit and American were here to help me decide.'
> >
> > Jacques Chirac walked into a bar with a parrot on his head and the
> > landlord
> > said: 'How did that happen?'
> > The parrot said: 'It all started as a little pimple on my bottom.'
> >
> > Why don't the French like the fireworks at Disneyland Paris?
> > Because every time they go off, people start trying to surrender.
> >
> > Why do the French eat snails?
> > It gives them speedier reactions.
> >
> > When East and West Germany got back together there were talks to
> > relocate
> > the capital city . . .
> > . . . back to Paris.
> >
> > What's the difference between a Frenchwoman and a werewolf?
> > The Frenchwoman is not quite as hairy but the werewolf smells better.
> >
> > In a rare show of bravery, a French soldier answered an order from his
> > Commanding officer and ran out on to the field of battle, in the line of
> > fire, to
> > retrieve a despatch case from a dead soldier and dashed back to his HQ.
> > The officer said: 'I'm recommending you for a medal for risking your
> > life
> > to save the details of the locations of our secret warehouses.'
> > 'Warehouses?' said the soldier. 'Sacré bleu! I thought you said
> > whorehouses.'
> >

[Katie]

What NOT To Say To A Police Officer!

1. Sure I'll get my license, but can you hold my beer?

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in..

3. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed.....have you been eating doughnuts?"

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay good, just so one of us does..

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer..

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. I was just trying to keep up with traffic... Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are!

[Jenn]

DISCLAIMER....yes I am...so I can!

Subject: Ethnic Profiling >

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk,
> > "I'd like some Polish sausage."
> >
> > The clerk looks at him and says,
> > "Are you Polish?"
> >
> > The guy, clearly offended, says,
> > "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you
> > something. If I had asked for Italian
> > sausage would you ask me if I was
> > Italian?
> > Or if I had asked for German
> > bratwurst, would you ask me if I was
> > German?
> > Or if I asked for a kosher
> > hot dog, would you ask me if I was
> > Jewish?
> >
> > Or if I had asked for a taco,
> > would you ask if I was Mexican?
> > Would ya, huh? Would ya?"
> >
> > The clerk says sheepishly, "Well, no."
> >
> > With deep, self-righteous indignation,
> > the guy says, "Well, all right then,
> > why did you ask me if I'm Polish just
> > because I asked for Polish sausage?"
> >
> > The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot

[Van]

REDNECK FISH TAPE

[Fishpart]

The Clinton Era



After much arguing and deliberation, historians this week have come up with a
phrase to describe the Clinton Era. It will be called:
SEX BETWEEN THE BUSHES.

The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta announced that Clinton has proven
that you can get sex from Aides.

Gennifer Flowers was asked if her relationship with Clinton was anything like
Monica Lewinski's. She replied, "Close, but no cigar."

The FBI has coined a technical term for the stains found on Monica's dress:
"Presidue."

Clinton now recruits interns from only four colleges:
Moorhead, Oral Roberts, Ball State and Brigham Young.

Did you know that Clinton had asked to change the Democratic emblem from a
donkey to a condom? It represents inflation, halts production, and gives you
a false sense of security while you are being screwed.

Arkansas is very proud of Bill Clinton.
All these women coming forward ,and not one is his sister!

Finally, Hillary Clinton recently went to a fortuneteller who intoned,
"Prepare to become widow. Your husband will soon suffer a violent death!"
Hillary took a deep breath and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

[Van]

What to do in a blizzard?

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was
almost zero when the little blond got off work.
She made her way to her car and wondered how she was
going to make it home.
She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her
situation.

She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it.

That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.
This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while
a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.

As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as
they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After quite some time had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window.

The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time.

She said that she was fine and told him of her dad's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Walmart parking lot.

[Jimbo]

Subject: Nominated For Quote Of The Year

Nominated for Quote of the Year is the statement made by TexasCongressman #^&#^&#^&#^& Armey when asked: "If you had been in PresidentClinton's place, would you have resigned?"Armey responded: "If I were in the President's place I would not have gotten a chance to resign. I would be laying in a pool of my own blood, looking up and listening to Mrs. Armey saying, "How do I reload this damn thing?"

[redcrbbr]

Subject: Fw: I love my computer



This is great!

> > > Subject: I love my computer
> > >
> > >
> > > For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the
way
> > > computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
> > >
> > > At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
> > > computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept
up
> > > with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be
> > > driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
> > >
> > > In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press
release
> > > stating:
> > >
> > > "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving
> > > cars with the following characteristics:
> > >
> > > 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
> > >
> > > 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
> > > buy a new car.
> > >
> > > 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
> > > would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the
> > > windows,
> > > shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you
could
> > > continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
> > >
> > > 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
> > > your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
> have
> > > to
> > > reinstall the engine.
> > >
> > > 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
> > > reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would
run
> > > on only
> > > five percent of the roads.
> > >
> > > 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would
all
> > > be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation"
> > > warning light.
> > >
> > > 7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
> > >
> > > 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you
out
> > > and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
> handle,
> > >
> > > turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
> > >
> > > 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn
> > > how to drive all over again because none of the controls would
operate
> in
> > >
> > > the same manner as the old car.
> > >
> > > 10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> >

[Jimbo]

SMILES FROM THE BIBLE

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else
was in liquidation.

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the
Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of
the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a
Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all
in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why
he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home. (I like
it!)

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant
lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always
overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the
Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.

[Van]

This is how a blonde prints e-mail.....

[JohnR]

Only Your Bartender Knows.......



The Meanings Behind What People Drink

Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!

Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.


THEN, there is the MALE addendum ---- The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay!

[JohnR]

Ahhh what the hell, here is another:

If You're Happy And You Know It Bomb Iraq - by John Robbins

If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are frisky,
Pakistan is looking shifty
North Korea is too risky,
Bomb Iraq.

If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq.
If we think that someone's dissed us, bomb Iraq
So to hell with the inspections,
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions
Bomb Iraq.

It's pre-emptive non-aggression, bomb Iraq.
To prevent this mass destruction, bomb Iraq.
They've got weapons we can't see,
And that's all the proof we need,
If they're not there, they must be there,
Bomb Iraq.

If you never were elected, bomb Iraq.
If your mood is quite dejected, bomb Iraq.
If you think Saddam's gone mad,
With the weapons that he had,
And he tried to kill your dad,
Bomb Iraq.

If corporate fraud is growin', bomb Iraq.
If your ties to it are showin', bomb Iraq.
If your politics are sleazy,
And hiding that ain't easy,
And your manhood's getting queasy,
Bomb Iraq.

Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq
For our might knows not our borders, bomb Iraq
Disagree? We'll call it treason
Let's make war not love this season
Even if we have no reason
Bomb Iraq

__________________________________________________ _____

The Saddam and George show

Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam Hussein's challenge to a televised debate, Tim Dowling exclusively reveals what could have happened had they met

Tim Dowling
Tuesday February 25, 2003
The Guardian

Tony Blair, moderator: Welcome to the first televised debate between George W Bush and Saddam Hussein, live from United Nations headquarters in New York. We will begin with a brief opening statement from each of you.

Bush: First of all I would just like to welcome my evil friend to the UN, one of the great American institutions for the propulsion of freedom throughout the world.

Saddam: Thank you, Great Satan. I hope that in today's debate we may find some common ground between the Iraqi people's commitment to peace and human progress and America's desire to destroy the Middle East.

Bush: Do I answer that?

Blair: No. The first question is quite simply this: do you have any links with al-Qaida?

Bush: I do not.

Blair: The question is for President Saddam.

Saddam: As I told Mr Tony Benn clearly and simply, if I had links with al-Qaida and I enjoyed those links then I would not be ashamed to tell the world, but since I am ashamed to tell the world of this, it follows that I have no such links.

Bush: Neither do I.

Blair: The second question is for Mr Bush. Mr Bush, if America and Iraq were to go to war tomorrow, who would win?

Bush: That's easy. America, right?

Saddam: Even I knew that one.

Bush: That's because the great United American States of America are on the side of rightliness and Americanity, against an evil Axis of Evil made up of Iraq, North Korea and... how many are in an axis? Three?

Blair: I think you're allowed as many as you like.

Bush: OK, Iraq, North Korea and France.

Saddam: I will tell you frankly and directly that Iraq is not part of any Axis of Evil.

Bush: Who am I thinking of then? Irania?

Blair: Let's move on. Saddam, are you willing to destroy your stockpile of Samoud 2 missiles in accordance with UN weapons inspectors' orders?

Saddam: I explain to you now that if Iraq possessed these so-called weapons, we would never destroy them, but since we do not have any such weapons, we are happy to comply, even though these non-existent weapons certainly do not exceed the proscribed range of 150 kms. I've tested them myself, and we don't have any.

Blair: The final question is for George Bush. Mr President, is there any way that Saddam Hussein can avoid war, and what steps must he now take in order to reach a negotiated solution?

Bush: Listen to me. It's very simple. First Saddam must compile 200% with the UN inspectorers, and I mean activated
compilation, not passivist compilation. Second, he must disarm fully, in keeping with UN revelation 1441 and the next one coming, 1441B, which will require him to disarm even more fully that. Then he must destroy all Samoud missiles and any other weapons of mass destruction he is found, or not found, to be possessive of, without being asked. Finally, there is one more task he must perform, which I am not at liberty to revulge. And even that will not be enough.

Blair: The translator would like to take your answer home with him and work on it over the weekend.
Bush: Fine, but we require nothing less than total disarmature.

Saddam: OK.

Blair: Sorry, but I'm not sure that "disarmature" is a word. I defer to the UN Keeper of the Dictionary, Mr Richard Stilgoe.

Stilgoe: Yes, you can have disarmature. It means, "the action of disarming" according to the OED.

Bush: Exactly. He must cut his own arms off.

Saddam: If it means peace, I will do it.
Bush: Too late.

Stilgoe: Did you know that Saddam Hussein is an anagram of 'Demands a Sushi'?

Saddam: Yes, I've heard them all.

Bush: I don't eat sushi. Is there a fish option?

Blair: I'd like to remind everyone at home that the Monica Lewinsky-Tonya Harding fight follows after the break.

[Katie]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A COMPUTER ADDICT WHEN...
1: You wake up at 3:00AM to go to the bathroom and you stop and check your e-mail on the way through.
2: You get a tattoo that reads: This body best viewed with Internet Explorer 5.0 or better.
3: You name a child explorer, mozilla, or outlook express.
4: You turn off your computer and get this empty lonely feeling like you just pulled the plug on a loved one's life support system.
5: You spend 7 hours driving around trying to find a 12 volt adapter for your laptop so going shopping will be more productive.
6: You stay in college for an additional year or two for the free internet access.
7: You laugh at people with 28.8 modems and wonder how evolution actually occurred.
8: You start using smileycons in your responses at the other tech site (which shall remain nameless).
9: You find yourself typing com after every period when using your word processor.
10: You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading or streaming audio.
11: You start introducing yourself as johndoe@alwaysfreakingonline.net.
12: Your friends all have @ in their names.
13: Your family pet has it's own web page.
14: Your excuse for not calling your relatives is: they don't have a modem.
15: You check your e-mail, it says you have no new messages, so you check it again.
16: Your phone bill is the lowest in the neighborhood because you cant get off the computer long enough to make long distance calls.
17: When filling out applications you write your address as johndoe@alwaysfreakingonline.net, and your qualifications as your system's components.
18: You get to know your tech support agent better than your own wife.
19: You dream in 16-bit color.
20: You spend most of your honeymoon formatting your hard drive and reinstalling Windows.
21: You take your laptop to the Ball Game.
22: You refer to Microsoft using an uncomplimentary name.
23: You buy your toothpaste and toilet paper on-line.
24: You wonder if they'll ever bring back the Commodore 64.

[JohnR]

What happened? I just edited the pic anyway: