Joke for today?

[Nebe]

Hey Flap-

have you heard of the new shoes for lesbians???

They're called Dykies........... problem is they were all recalled because the tounges were too short

[In The Surf]

Walking The Dog

A little girl asks her mom if she can take the dog for a walk around the block. Mom replies no because because the dog is in heat. What's that mean asks the little girl, mom replies go ask your father I think he is in the garage. The little girl goes to the garage and says dad can I take Belle for a walk around the block, I asked mom but she said Belle was in heat and to come ask you. He says bring Belle over here, he then soaks a rag in gasoline and rubs it on the dogs backside. He then says she's all set now, make sure to keep her on the leash and only go once around the block. The little girl leaves and returns a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised dad asks, where's Belle? The little girl replies, Belle ran out of gas about half way around the block and that another dog was pushing her home!

[tynan19]

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a
young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a
chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on
top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's
probably spent a lot
of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he
kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do
whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very
dangerous.
If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in
my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had
any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I
love you, too!"

[teaser]

One day Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach collecting shells when she looked down and saw an old brass lamp.

She decided it may be worth a couple of bucks if she cleaned it up so she starting rubbing the side of it and "POOF' a magic genie appeared!

Monica was so excited saying "wow - a magic genie", I'm gonna get 3 wishes, but the genie stpooed her abruptly her by saying "no, you only get one wish."

She says " what do you mean I only get one wish, why not 3 wishes?"

The genie says " well, you already have fame and fortune so you only get one wish."

She stood there for a minute thinking real hard, and then she says " okay, I've got it, since I only get one wish and I already have fame and fortune, the only thing I can think of what I really want right now is that I'd like to lose these love handles I've got."

The genie says you're wish is my command and "POOF" her ears dissappeared!

[STEVE IN MASS]

This may have been around, but what the heck:

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN THE OFFICE, AREN'T:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!
5. HMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but at the office isn't:
1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!


TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN A LAW FIRM AREN'T:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge.
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law isn't
1. Think you can get me off?


TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT IN GOLF AREN'T:

10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't
1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first

[Van]

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

> 2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
> A. '66 Ford Fairlane
> B. '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
> C. '64 Pontiac GTO

> 3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

> 4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2,700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees?

> 5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12
> simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?

> 6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

> 7. A man owns an Arkansas house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15 degrees. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

> 8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain?
For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have
> mufflers and uncracked windshields?

> 9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camel cigarettes will be smoked during the shift?

> 10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?

[JohnR]

>One Wish
>
>Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape
>from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's
>provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping

>that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the
>amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth.
>
>This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one
>wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter

>the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!"
>
>The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the

>entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
>
>Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on
>the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

>
>One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted.
>After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now
>we're going to have to piss in the boat!"

[Goose]

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to
take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the
rake. He yells up to his wife, to look out the window
and says, "Where is the rake?"
She can't hear him and shouts back,"What?"
The man first points to his eye, then points to his
knee and finally makes a raking motion.The wife is not sure and says,"What?"
The man repeats his gestures, ... points to his eye,
then points to his knee... and finally makes a raking
motion..."EYE KNEE THE RAKE"!
The wife understands and signals back.
She first points to her eye... next she points to
her left breast...then she points to her butt... and
finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come
close to understanding that one.Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her "What in
the friggin'hell was that?!!"
She replies; EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH

>

[bloocrab]

...went fishing with Goose last night...




....We got approached by a #@$@#$ police officer...




...."YOUR NOT FISHING RIGHT NEXT TO THAT SIGN THAT SAYS...NO FISHING....ARE YOU!!!????".....






......"ummm.......NO"....

[fishsmith]

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law.

During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died.

With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00.

The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00.

George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."

The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."

"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance!"

[Van]

Sam and Bessie are senior citizens and Sam always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different
about me?"

"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants. What's different?"

Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different?"

"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down tomorrow."

Angrily Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!!!!!"

Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!"

[bloocrab]

The
priest, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as
his
subject.

After a long sermon, he asked how many were
willing to forgive their
enemies. About half held up their hands. Not
satisfied he harangued for
another twenty minutes and repeated his
question.

This time he received a response of about 80
percent.

Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes
and repeated his
question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all
responded except one
elderly lady in the rear.

"Mrs.
Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have
any."
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety
three."

"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the
congregation how a
person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an
enemy in the world."

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered
down the aisle, very slowly turned
around and said: "It's easy, I just
outlived the bitches."

[redcrbbr]

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked".

"I only came to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill.

[STEVE IN MASS]

Good one, but the real joke of the day happened in Foxboro today......

[bloocrab]

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the
large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with
names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the
pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning,
Alex."
"Good morning," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"What is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the
service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's
voice was trembling and barely audible when he asked, " which service, the
8:30 or the 10:00?"

[Van]

You know your driving too fast when....

[bloocrab]

Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over
at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big!

I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue." With that he proceeded to get
a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife
was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is
two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!" The wife chooses to ignore her
husband. Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes
some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's
wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill
for one tiny little sausage?"

[bloocrab]

The blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired
of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are
perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her
husband that blondes really are smart. While her
husband is off at work, she decides that she is going
to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day,
right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down
to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30
and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks
into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is
wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies
yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she
wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are
dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He
then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur
coat. She replies that she was reading the directions
on the paint can, and they said...


> > >>>>>

> > >>>>>

> > >>>>>

> > >>>>>

> > >>>>> FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS

[MountainBreeze]

The manager of a tackle shop was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from college. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment and replied, "Everything but my earrings!"

[redcrbbr]

Harley's
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>>Arthur Davidson, inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle
>>>Corporation,
>>>>>>died and went to heaven.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a
>good
>>>man
>>>>>>and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you
>can
>>>>>hang
>>>>>
>>>>>>out
>>>>>>with anyone you want in Heaven."
>>>>>>Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said "I want to
hang
>>out
>>>>>>with God."
>>>>>>
>>>>>>St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to
>God.
>>>>>>Arthur then asked God, " Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"
>>>>>>God said, "Ah, yes."
>>>>>>"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have
some
>>>major
>>>>>>design flaws in your invention.
>>>>>>1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
>>>>>>2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
>>>>>>3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
>>>>>>4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust.
>>>>>>5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."
>>>>>>
>>>>>>"Hummmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold
>>on."
>>>>>>
>>>>>>So God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few
words
>>and
>>>>>>waited for the results.
>>>>>>The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
>>>>>>"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to
>>>Arthur,
>>>>>>"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my
invention
>>than
>>>>>>yours!"
>>>

[redcrbbr]

A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father
said,
"Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."

A few minutes later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran
back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be
quiet."

The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my
feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a
muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and
held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed
the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.
But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we
eat them here or take them with us?' Well, I guess I just panicked."

[Fish_n_Dive]

An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin. He ordered three pints of
Guinness, sat in the back of the room, and drank a sip out of each one
in turn. When he finished them, he came back to the bar and ordered
three more.

The bartender asked him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. It
would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replied, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all
left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days
when we drank together."

The bartender admitted that this was a nice custom, and left it there.

The Irishman became a regular in the bar, and always drank the same way.
One day, he came in and ordered two pints. All the other regulars
noticed and fell silent.

When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said,
"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I want to offer my
condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looked confused for a moment, then a light dawned in his
eye and he laughed. "Oh, no, everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

[Fish_n_Dive]

One day three men walked into a
pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they
were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in
each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The first man pushed his beer away in disgust.

The Second man fished the fly out of his beer, and continued
drinking it, as if nothing had happened.

The third man, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out
over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT!! SPIT IT OUT
YOU B$%@#$*!!!!"

[redcrbbr]

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the
other and says "dam".
---------------------------------
Two
fish are in a tank.
One
says to the other, "I'll man the guns, you drive."

[Van]

Ok I'll say it again....


So.... A baby seal walks into a club...and....


I know its really bad.... but

[Fishpart]

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

[FishTales]

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

[Moron_Saxatilis]

John, a wealthy and single professional, decides he has had enough of the "ratrace".

He finds a farmhouse in Montana miles from the nearest town and settles in. He is relaxed and content. He does not see another human being for 4 months.

One day a man comes walking up his driveway. The man introduces himself as Don explains that he owns the farm over the 'yonder' hill.

Don invites John to his house that evening for a party.
John replies "That would be great, I haven't been out of the house in months".

Don tells him there will be drunkeness at this party.

John replies " That's great, I could use a few drinks".

Don tells him that drunkeness at one of his parties often lead to brawling.

John replies "I am an ex- USMC officer... I think I can handle my own"

Don then tells him that with all the excitement from the brawling mixed with all that alcohol it could lead to some wild and rough sex.

John replies "Hey... I've been here alone for awhile, if you know what I mean"

As Don is leaving John asks "Oh, by the way, what should I wear?"

Don replies "It doesn't matter, It will be just the two of us".

[Mr. Kav]

A young family moved into a house next door to a
vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up
to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's six year old daughter naturally
took an interest in the activity going on next door
and started talking with the workers. She hung
around and eventually the construction crew - gems
in the rough all of them - more or less adopted her
as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her,
let her sit with them while they had coffee and
lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here
and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her
with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little
girl took it home to her mother who said all the
appropriate words of admiration and suggested that
they take the dollar pay she had received to the
bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally
impressed with the story and asked the little girl
how she had come by her very own pay cheque at such
a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I've
been working with a construction crew building a
house."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will
you be working on the house again this week too?"

"I will if those useless bas-tards at Home Depot
ever bring us the f-ing' drywall," replied the little girl.

[MountainBreeze]

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things..

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional
weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
"Nah,not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"