Joke for today?

[gone fishin]

It has been awhile - time to resurrect?

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so, a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from just in time to notice a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
On his arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. Because she was very attractive, he agreed.
Shortly afterward she said, "I'm about to have dinner--there's plenty. Would you like to join me?"
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal.
As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
"No," she replied. "Only those who catch my eye."

[justplugit]

LOL, thanks Don, i needed that.

[BW from AZ]

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas, who has recently been
diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth.
One of my sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a
transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and
selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two
sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas.

I have two brothers: one is currently serving a life sentence at
Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother
is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his
three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives
in Longview. She is a part time 'working girl'.

All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancé and look
forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be
totally open and honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Hilary Clinton for
President?

Signed, Worried About My Reputation

[BW from AZ]

There will be no nativity scene in the United States Congress, this year!


The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in the United States Capitol this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capitol.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

[Goose]

Welcome at Church?

Three couples--one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed--wanted to join a church. The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples all agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replied, "No problem at all, Father."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.

The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but, yep, we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest.

The priest then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.

"What happened?" inquired the priest."My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it," said the young man. "When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the priest.

"We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."

[BW from AZ]

To all my friends who sent me best wishes for 2007, it did NOTHING AT all. For 2008, could you please send either money, plugs or honey hole locations.
(copied and changed to fit this board)

[BW from AZ]

A man owned a small ranch in New Mexico. The State of New Mexico
claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to
interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded
the agent.

"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with
me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook
has been here for 18 months and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and
board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and
does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week,
pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday
night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," said the agent

"That would be me," replied the rancher.

[InTheHole]

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
> There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
> "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
> The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
>
>
> The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.
> She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
> The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
> The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
>
> When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
> The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
>
> Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
> The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith"

[eastendlu]

> A ONE Question Test
>
>
> This test only has one question, but it's a
> very
> important one. By giving
> an honest answer, you will discover where you
> stand morally. The test features
> an unlikely, completely fictional situation in
> which you will have to make
> a decision. Remember your answer needs to be
> honest, yet spontaneous.
>
>
>
>
> THE SITUATION:
> You are in Miami, Florida. There is chaos all
> around you caused by a
> hurricane with severe flooding. Th is is a
> flood
> of biblical proportions.
> You are photo-journalist working for a major
> newspaper, caught in the
> middle of this epic disaster. The situation is
> nearly hopeless. You're trying to
> shoot career-making photos. There are houses
> and
> people swirling around you, some disappearing
> under the water.
>
> ----------------------------------------------
> THE TEST
> Suddenly you see a woman in the water. She is
> fighting for her life, trying
> not to be taken down with the debris. You move
> closer and she looks familiar.
> You suddenly realize it's Hillary Clinton! At
> the
> same time you notice that
> the raging waters are about to take her under
> forever. You have two
> options:
> You can save the life of Hillary Clinton or you
> can shoot a dramatic
> Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the
> death of one of the world's
> most powerful women.
>
> ----------------------------------------------
> THE QUESTION:
> Here's the question, and please give an honest
> answer......
>
>
>
> "Would you select high contrast color film, or
> would you go with the classic simplicity of
> black
> and white?"

[justplugit]

Oh my gosh, Lu, computer fell right off my lap.

[eastendlu]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks him for his order.


The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,
"What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be
$9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the
exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
hamburger, fries and a coke."The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.. "The usual?" asks the
waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked
potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket
every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just
put my hand in my pocket and the right amou nt of money would always be
there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[eastendlu]

Dear Tech Support

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that
the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into
all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications
such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing
3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my
favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but
the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User (KEEP READING )


____________ _________ _________ ________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is
just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM
and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It
is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once
installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not
allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony -Child
Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the
situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to
alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\ APOLOGIZE becau se
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system
will return to normal anyway Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be
very high maintenance.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause
the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only
way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional
software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short
Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause
irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

[fishaholic18]

The Hair Cut

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as "How to Improve Your Business and Becoming More Successful".
Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free hair cut.

And that, folks, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.

[eastendlu]

Subject: WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

[fishaholic18]

A Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of
your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips
and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a
two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a
year."

The guy, wide-eyed , said, "You're bull%$%$%$%$tin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . . you started it.

[gone fishin]

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.' 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.' 'Well,' said the pirate, 'We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'

The bartender replied, 'Well, OK,, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?' The pirate explained, 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got> into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.'

'What about t hat eye patch?' 'Oh,' said the pirate, 'One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew> over. I looked up, and one of them %$%$%$%$ in my eye.' 'You're kidding,' said the bartender. 'You couldn't lose an eye just from bird %$%$%$%$.' 'It was my first day with the hook.'

[eastendlu]

A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed . "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

[UserRemoved1]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never
been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into
her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all
things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and
its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no
longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice' he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
pointing to the bowl.
'Oh yes' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?' I was walking in through
the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the
ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it
would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter'

[InTheHole]

A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian chief, asked the
significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses.

'Feathers show number of sexual partners,' the chief replied.

Indicating a nearby young brave, he continued, 'Him? One woman, one
feather. Him?' pointing to a second, older man, 'Three women, three
feathers.'

The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. 'But you have so many feathers!'

The Chief proudly slapped his chest. 'Me Chief. Sleep with all women.
Big, small, fat, tall.'

Horrified, the female reporter said, 'You ought to be hung!'

The Chief said, 'Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake.'

The offended reporter said, 'You don't have to be hostile!'

The Chief replied, 'Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!'

The reporter cried, 'Oh, dear!'

'No deer', said the Chief. ' A$$ too high, run too fast!'

[eastendlu]

Thats was a good one ITH.

[BW from AZ]

Ever notice the roman numbers for 40 = "XL"

[InTheHole]

90-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The
doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 90-year-old said "Things are
great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is
pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have
an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a
season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a
hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As
he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the
water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't
shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane,
aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went
bang, bang.

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now,
what do yo u think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 90-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a
couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly".

[spinncognito]

Touching Story of Love and Marriage

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort
forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven?
Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at
the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

[eastendlu]

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.

There is a Wal-Mart associate standing there with dark shades on.

She says, "Excuse me, Sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.

She didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a good all around rod and reel, and it cost $20.00."

She says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, she bends down to get her purse and farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there
is no way he could tell it was her. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50. And thank you for shopping Wal-Mart."

[Gunpowder]

Funny stuff eastendlu

[InTheHole]

Three Southern Boys
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together. Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup,his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.' The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to confirm. Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over. 'The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba. 'The mortician asked, 'How can you tell? ''Well, Bubba had two a$$holes. ''What? He had two a$$holes?' asked the mortician. 'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, 'There's Bubba with them two a$$holes.'

[mosholu]

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden this year.

The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.

Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."

[InTheHole]

An Irishman goes to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I had relations with Nookie Green twice last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon after , another Irishman enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had relations with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon,

A tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous redhead woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes.............................."

[fishaholic18]

A man who just died is delivered to a mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Bubba the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and
that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives Bubba a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the viewing. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to Bubba, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellentjob and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, Bubba returns her blankcheck.

'Dere's no cha rge,' he says.

'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am, Bubba says, 'it didn't cost me a'thing'.

You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was broughtin shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive bluesuit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So, I just switched the heads.'

[fishaholic18]

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are real notes written by parents in a Fort Pierce, school district. Spellings have been left intact.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and
also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from j im today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days Yesterday he fell out of a
tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in
the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very
close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Pleaseexcuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea
direathe the %$%$%$%$s.

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his
boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to g o Christmas shopping because i don't
know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the
sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was
sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not
breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat,
headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her
brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either,
sore throat and fever There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.