Joke for today?

[Jimbo]

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,"he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.
Speed Up to 60.
"I want the car, too," he continues.
Speed up to 65 mph.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says.
"Oh, really?" he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the bridge wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles.____ "The airbag."

[MountainBreeze]

1) Go to www.google.com
2) type in (but don't hit return): "weapons of mass destruction"
3) Hit the "I'm feeling lucky" button, instead of the normal "Google
search" button
4) read what appears to be a normal error message carefully....

[Van]

A dedicated Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a Union house/"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't"

"Well, if I pay you $100, what do the girls get?" he asked.

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she replied.

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings,the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His

search continued until, finally, he reached a brothel were the Madam said, "Why, yes sir, this is a Union house."

The man asked, "If I pay you $100, what do the girls get?"

The girls get $80 and the house gets $20," the Madam replied.

"That's more like it!" the man said. He handed the Madam the $100, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.

"I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would sir," said the Madam. Then gesturing to an 85-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

[Van]

http://www.localhost.nl/bmcontrol/next

[Jimbo]

Similarly, try this one out and read the error message closely.
The good folks at Google are being funny...try this soon.

> 1) Go to Google.com
>
> 2) Type in (but don't hit return): "weapons of mass destruction"
>
> 3) Hit the "I'm feeling lucky" button, instead of the normal "Google search" button
>
> 4) READ what appears to be a normal error message carefully

[NEXT2NUN]

Mind over Matter = I don't have a mind, so it doesn't matter

[Broadbill]

A fisherman walks into the Squire in Chatham, pulls up a stool, and sets a leather case about a foot square on the bar. He opens the case and out jumps a tiny man in a tuxedo, less than a foot tall. The fisherman reaches into the case and pulls out a perfect grand piano, just the right size for the little guy in the tux.

The fisherman orders a drink for himself and asks for a short one for his tiny friend. As the barkeep fixes the drinks, the little guy in the tux sits down and starts playing. Pretty soon, everyone in the place in listening. The little guy is whipping through all the classics—Cole Porter, Gershwin, Sinatra’s standards, early Beatles. Everyone is enthralled. People start buying the fisherman and his little friends drinks and the cheery music continues into the night.

Finally the bartender musters the courage to ask the question on everyone’s mind. He leans over and asks the guy how he came to have this amazing little friend.

The fisherman says, “It’s the same old story. I was a GI in Desert Storm. As my unit was making its way out of Kuwait, I came across a brass lamp in the sand. I gave it the obligatory rub, and sure enough, a genie appeared in a cloud of smoke. He thanked me for freeing him from a thousand years of captivity and offered to grant me the usual one wish. And what he thought I said I wanted was a ten-inch pianist.”

[Chef]

You don't know Jack Schitt

[Jimbo]

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates
and are comparing stories on how they died.

1st woman: "I froze to death."

2nd woman: "How horrible!"

1st woman: "It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking
from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and
finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"

2nd woman: "I died of a massive heart attack. I
suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came
home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I
found him all by himself in the den watching TV."

1st woman: "So what happened?"

2nd woman: "I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere that I started running all over the
house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched,
and down into the basement. Then I went through
everycloset and checked under all the beds. I kept
this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally
I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with
a heart attack and died!"

1st woman: "Too bad you didn't look in the
freezer. We'd both still be alive."

[Van]

Every Saturday morning John goes fishing. He gets up early and eager,makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes...all day long. Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to
the truck and down the driveway he goes.
Coming out of his garage he sees the rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers,

"The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily
replies.................

"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that #^&#^&#^&#^&?"

[NilsC]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass
when his attractive blond female
neighbor came out of the house and went
straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut
stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house
again went to the mail box and again
opened it, slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the
lawn, here she came out again,
marched to the mail box, opened it and
then slammed it closed harder than
ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her,
"Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly
is!"................. "mailbox are empty and"........

My stupid computer keeps saying', "YOU'VE
GOT MAIL..."

[Mr. Sandman]

Did you know that you can re-arrange the letters of the word MOTHER INLAW to read: WOMAN HITLER ?

[NEXT2NUN]

A blonde driving on a country road noticed another blonde attempting to row a boat in the middle of a hay field. She pulled her car over , jumped out and started screaming at the woman trying to row "It's stupid blondes like you that give us a bad name, and if I could swim I'd go out right now and kick your A$$.

[Van]

Another Blonde Joke.

A blonde comes to the edge of a river. On the other side of the river is another blonde who yells to her " How do I get to the other side?"

To which the first blonde answers "You dumb blonde, you are on the other side !"

[Jimbo]

Bounce -- Who knew? And all this time I've just been putting Bounce in the dryer. Don't know if a word of it's true.
1. It will chase ants away when you lay a sheet near them.
2. It takes the odor out of books and photo albums that don't get opened too often.
3. Repels mosquitoes. Tie a sheet of Bounce through a belt loop when outdoors during mosquito season.
4. Eliminates static electricity from your television screen. Since Bounce is designed to help eliminate static cling, wipe your television screen with a used sheet of Bounce to keep dust from resettling.
5. Dissolve soap scum from shower doors. Clean with a sheet of Bounce.
6. Freshen the air in your home. Place an individual sheet of Bounce in a drawer or hang in the closet.
7. Prevent thread from tangling. Run a threaded needle through sheet of Bounce before beginning to sew.
8. Prevent musty suitcases. Place an individual sheet of Bounce inside empty luggage before storing.
9. Freshen the air in your car. Place a sheet of Bounce under the front seat.
10. Clean baked-on foods from a cooking pan. Put a sheet in a pan, fill with water, let sit overnight, and sponge clean. The antistatic agent apparently weakens the bond between the food.
11. Eliminate odors in wastebaskets. Place a sheet of Bounce at the bottom of the wastebasket.
12. Collect cat hair. Rubbing the area with a sheet of Bounce will magnetically attract all the loose hairs.
13. Eliminate static electricity from venetian blinds. Wipe the blinds with a sheet of Bounce to prevent dust from resettling.
14. Wipe up sawdust from drilling or sand papering. A used sheet of Bounce will collect sawdust like a tack cloth.
15. Eliminate odors in dirty laundry. Place an individual sheet of Bounce at the bottom of a laundry bag or hamper.
16. Deodorize shoes or sneakers. Place a sheet of Bounce in your shoes or sneakers overnight.

17. Golfers put a Bounce sheet in their back pocket to keep the bees away.

[rocketman]

A group of blondes comes into a bar to celebrate and the entire group is high fiving and cheering. They order champagne and the bartender asks what they are celebrating and the leader says we finished a puzzle that said 2-4 years, and we did it in two days!

[Van]

If only !!!!!

[Van]

#2

[NilsC]

A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus. One day the wife ran off with the lion tamer. The husband was extremely dejected. The strong man asked him what he was going to do.
The husband answered, "This is a disaster. I don't know where I'm going to find another woman of her caliber."

[MountainBreeze]

This woman walks into a Wal-Mart and tells the clerk that she wants a refund for the toaster that she bought because it doesn’t work. The clerk tells her that he can’t give her a refund because she bought in on special.
All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, “GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!”

The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager.

The manager comes up to the woman and asks, “What’s wrong?” She explains the situation with the toaster. He tells her that he can’t refund her money because, like the clerk had told her, she had bought on special.

Once again, she throws her hands in the air and begins yelling, “GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!”

In shock, the store manager pleads, “Ma’am, why are you saying that?”

In a huff, the woman says, “BECAUSE I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I’M GETTING SCREWED!”

[Mr. Sandman]

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:



means a smile and



is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by



:-) and



:-( respectively.



Well, how about some "assicons"? Here goes:



(_!_) a regular ass



(__!__) a fat ass



(!) a tight ass



(_*_) a sore ass



{_!_} a swishy ass



(_o_) an ass that's been around



(_x_) kiss my ass



(_X_) leave my ass alone



(_zzz_) a tired ass



(_E=mc2_) a smart ass



(_$_) Money coming out of his ass



(_?_) Dumb Ass



..oo*"""**oo.oo*""*oo..
oo*" "*o.o*" "*o.
o o *o
..o o 'o
o o o.
o o o
o \o/ o
o --0-- o
o. /o\ o
o o o
o o o
o o oo
oo o oo
oo. oo oo
'ooo. .oo. ooo
o ""oo,, ,,oO-'Oo, ,,,,,oo"o
o. """""" oo """"" o
'o oo o'
o oo o
'o o o*
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o

you have just been mooned

[Goose]

[Jimbo]

The Brothel
Two old men decide they are close to their last days on earth and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "Go up to the first two rooms and put an inflated doll in each bed.
These two are so old and drunk; I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference." Her manager does as he is told and the two old men go up stairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first one says, "You know, I think my girl was dead!" "Dead?" says his friend, "why would you think that?" "Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her." His friend says, "I think mine was a witch"
"A WITCH!!! Why the hell would you say that?" "Well, I was making love to her, kissing on her neck and I gave it a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window!!"

[Van]

???????????????

[MakoMike]

To be the beer can?

[MikeTLive]

Where you been fishing??

I know there was a use for that billybud lure I got!

[Jimbo]

Rules For Work: (Should go over well with your boss.)
Print it out and hang it over your work station...I dare ya!

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

[Jimbo]

A man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said,
"Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job,"

The person behind the counter replied,
"Your timing is amazing.
We just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes, and the suits, shirts, and ties are provided.
Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays trips.
The salary package is $200,000 a year!"

The man said, "You're b-s-ing me man!"

The clerk behind the counter said, "Yeah, well, you started it

[Van]

NO Nursing Home for me!
With the average cost for a Nursing Home per day reaching $188.00, there is a better way when we get old & feeble. I have ascertained that I can get a nice room at the Holiday Inn for around $65.00...that leaves $123.00 a day for beer, food (room service), laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. They have a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap. Super 8 is somewhat more economical and they have a free breakfast, though you usually have to walk next door for lunch and dinner. There may be a bit of a wait to get that first floor room, but that's OK, it takes months to get into decent nursing homes. There is the Senior Bus, the Handicap bus (if you fake a decent limp), a Church bus or van, cabs, and even a regular bus. For a change of lunch take the Airport Bus and eat at one of the fast food cafe's there.
The Inn has security, and if someone sees you drop over, they will call an ambulance. And should you break a hip, the American Way is to Sue. What more can you ask for?
As a bonus, they all have AARP and other Senior discounts.
So: When I reach the Golden age help me keep my grin
Just check my old rickety ass into the nearest Holiday Inn!

[Goose]

Guy is riding in the back of a cab, he asks the cabbie 'you got room for three six packs and a pizza up front ?' Cabbie answers 'sure'. So the guy leans forward and all over the front seat