Joke for today?

[BigFish]

Good one Van....I like that one!

[tynan19]

[Nebe]

[Iwannakeeper]

that is hysterical

[Van]

Wedding Cake Topper

How Appropriate !!!!!!!

Even has fingernail marks

[Bass Nut]

On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast_ for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Popemobile when_ there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing a New York Yankee's jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

_

As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three wearing Boston Red Sox jerseys aboard. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Yankee fan from the water. Then using (autographed
Nomar) baseball bats, the three heroes in red beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat also.

_

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between Red Sox and Yankee fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth."

_

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?"

_

"It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

_

"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know #^&#^&#^&#^& about shark fishing....How's the bait holding up?"

[thefishingfreak]

Four married guys went fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place...]

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That's nothing! I had to promise my wife I'll build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I'll remodel the kitchen for her."

They continued to fish, until they realized the fourth guy had not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

"I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off the clock, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing, or Sex?" and she said, "Wear a sweater."

[thefishingfreak]

[Goose]

Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home!

A Windsor man was found dead in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk, sugar, and cornflakes. A banana was sticking out of his butt.


Police suspect a cereal killer.

[fishaholic18]

After drinking all evening with his friends, a man left the bar
with a couple of bottles of whiskey stuck in his back pocket to enjoy
another time.

A he staggered home, shoes in left hand to avoid waking his
wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading
to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened
entryway.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around
and he landed heavily on his rump.

The whiskey bottles in each back pocket broke and made the landing
especially painful. Managing to suppress a yelp, the man sprung
up, pulled down his pants, and examined his lacerated and bleeding
cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to
find a large full box of Band-Aids. He proceeded to place a patch,
as best he could, on each place he saw blood.

After hiding the now empty box of Band-Aids, he managed to shuffle
and stumble his way to bed. In the morning, the man awoke with
searing pain in his head and butt and his wife staring at him from
across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night."

Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and
replied, "Now, honey, why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," she said, "it could be the open front door, it could be
the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops
of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot
eyes, but mostly...

"It's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!"

[fishsmith]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift._ The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary._ Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently
saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary._ Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot._ The parrot yelled back._ John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder._
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed._ Then suddenly there was total silence._ Not a peep was heard for over a minute._ Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions._ I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude._ As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

[spence]

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.

I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed," she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.

By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

[Nebe]

60% of women in this country are beaten and I'm still eating mine plain

[Fish_n_Dive]

eben its battered!

[spence]

I think Eben's ready for bed

-spence

[Mr. Sandman]

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted

[Nebe]

Originally posted by Fish_n_Dive
eben its battered!

oh chit I saw a bumperstiker that said that phrase on it and I almost drove off the road

[thefishingfreak]

saw this one on the other place





Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.

Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother,

"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.

I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.

"Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Moral : Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

[thefishingfreak]

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

[Nebe]

thats a classic!

[spence]

Dear Penthouse,

I never thought...



Very...nice!

-spence

[bud8fan]

[fishaholic18]

Redneck measuring tape.

[thefishingfreak]

[thefishingfreak]

canadian air force

[thefishingfreak]

iraq's ground force

[Iwannakeeper]

Mike, now I know what you do when you are not fishing.

Keep your condoms in the car.......hahahhaha


-IWK

[Mr. Sandman]

Little Rebecca comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Christmas. "Since Christmas is for a Christians and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a Christmas card?

Rebecca's father thinks! a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Christmas card to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock?

"Well", she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a card, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent cards to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.

Rebecca, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Rebecca says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the sh*t out of him and send him back to hell where he belongs.

[Fish_n_Dive]

[striperjerk1]