Joke for today?

[FishermanTim]

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize... you need to fart.

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, & that's when you realize, you have been listening to your iPod.

[FishermanTim]

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at home. He was 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in... and then the trouble started.

[FishermanTim]

A grizzled old surfcaster and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that surfcasters are so dumb that he could put something over on them easily...So the lawyer asks if the old geezer would like to play a fun game.
The old man is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the surfcaster's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The old fisherman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the surfcaster's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the sleepy fisherman and hands him $500. The old man pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the fisherman up and asks, 'Well, what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The grizzled old surfcaster reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

[FishermanTim]

I went to dinner last week at the house of a couple of friends who are avowed democrats. I was sitting down when a political commercial came on. Their 6 year od daughter said "when I grow up , I want to be president" so I said "what would be the first thing you'd do if you were president?". She said "I'd give all the poor homeless people homes". I told her "that's admirable, honey but you don't have to wait until you're president, you could start toward that right now" and she said "how?" I said "why don't you come over to my house, rake and bag all my leaves and I'll pay you $50.00 which you can take down to the part of town where the poor homeless people spend their time and give them the $50.00 toward purchasing their home." She replied "why don't you just have the poor homeless people come over to your house, rake the leaves and give them the $50.00 for doing the work?" I said "welcome to the republican party." Her parents haven't spoken to me since.

[Gary]

Originally Posted by FishermanTim

I went to dinner last week at the house of a couple of friends who are avowed democrats. I was sitting down when a political commercial came on. Their 6 year od daughter said "when I grow up , I want to be president" so I said "what would be the first thing you'd do if you were president?". She said "I'd give all the poor homeless people homes". I told her "that's admirable, honey but you don't have to wait until you're president, you could start toward that right now" and she said "how?" I said "why don't you come over to my house, rake and bag all my leaves and I'll pay you $50.00 which you can take down to the part of town where the poor homeless people spend their time and give them the $50.00 toward purchasing their home." She replied "why don't you just have the poor homeless people come over to your house, rake the leaves and give them the $50.00 for doing the work?" I said "welcome to the republican party." Her parents haven't spoken to me since.

That is perfect.

[Slingah]

Three guys are fishing at the Canal when an angel appears on the rocks next to them. The first guy gets over his shock and humbly says to the angel, "I've suffered from back pain for years. Is it too much to ask that you help me?" The angel touches the mans back, and he feels instant relief.
The second guy points to his Coke-bottle glasses and asks if the angel could cure his eyesight. The angel tosses his glasses in the Canal. When they hit the water, the mans vision clears, and he can see everything distinctly.
The angel now turns to the third guy, who throws up his hands in fear. "Don't touch me!" he cries. "I'm on disability!"

[gone fishin]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like the #^&#^&#^&#^&ens!! I guess I'd better see a doctor.'
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies. 'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart . Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs $10 - A lot cheaper than a doctor.'
So, Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. 10 seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and Epsom salts found on aisle 2. Avoid heavy activity. It will improve in 2 weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sp erm sample for good measure.
Bob hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. H e deposits $10, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

[eastendlu]

Two radical Arab terrorists boarded a flight out of London
> One took a
> window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle
> seat. Just before takeoff,
> a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff,
> the Marine kicked
> his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when
> the Arab in the
> window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a
> Coke.'
> 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm
> in the aisle seat, I'll get it for
> you.'
>
> As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the
> Marine's shoe and spat in
> it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab
> said, 'That
> looks good, I'd really like one, too.'
>
> Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he
> was gone, the other
> Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe a nd spat in
> it. When the Marine
> returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight..
>
> As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into
> his shoes and
> knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and
> asked his Arab
> neighbors...
>
>
>
>
> 'Why does it have to be this way? How long must this
> go on? This fighting
> between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This
> spitting in shoes and
> pissing in Cokes?'
>
> THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES

[redcrbbr]

The Lone Ranger
was ambushed and captured
by
an enemy Indian War Party.





The Indian
Chief proclaims,



"So, YOU
are the great Lone Ranger" ..





"In
honor of the Harvest Festival,

YOU
will be executed in three days."


"Before
I kill you, I grant you three
requests"

"What
is your FIRST request
???'

The Lone Ranger
responds,

"I'd
like to speak to my horse."



The
Chief nods and Silver is brought

before
the Lone Ranger who whispers in

Silver's
ear, and the horse gallops
away.

Later that evening, Silver
returns with

a
beautiful blonde woman on
his back.

As
the Indian Chief watches,

the
blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent

and
spends the night.


The
next morning the Indian Chief admits

he's
impressed..
"You
have a very fine and loyal horse",

"But I
will still kill you
in two days."

"What
is your SECOND request
???"


The
Lone Ranger again asks to speak

to
his horse.

Silver
is brought to

him,

and
he again whispers in the horse's
ear.

As before,
Silver takes off and disappears

over
the horizon.

Later that evening, to
the Chief's surprise,

Silver again
returns, this time with a

voluptuous brunette,
more attractive

than
the blonde.



She
enters the Lone Rangers tent

and
spends the night.


The
following morning the Indian Chief

is
again impressed.

"You
are indeed a man of many talents,"

"But
I will still kill
you tomorrow."



"What
is your LAST request ???"



The
Lone Ranger responds,

"I'd like to speak to
my horse, ....
alone."

The Chief
is curious, but he
agrees,

and
Silver is brought to

the

Lone Ranger's
tent.




Once they're
alone,

the
Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,

Looks
him square in the eye and says,



Listen
Very Carefully !!!!

FOR...
THE... LAST... TIME...


I
SAID ...





"BRING POSSE"