Joke for today?

[The Dad Fisherman]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
“Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter. Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. Do you hear me? You’re cooking TOO MANY! Turn them. TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh, my God! WHERE are we going to get more butter? They’re going to stick! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never!Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you lost your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! For Pete sake USE THE SALT!”
The wife stared at him.
"What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied,
"I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

[FishermanTim]

A TEN-DOLLAR HOME SECURITY SYSTEM




1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's work boots, used, size 14-16. - $2.00
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine. Magazine - $3.00
3.. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and the magazine. - $5.00
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

'Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke, and Slim, I went for more shotgun shells and to pick my check up from the slaughterhouse. I should be back in an hour.
Don't mess with the Pit Bulls--don't know what got into them, but they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad.

I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait out here on the porch.'
'Cooter '

[FishermanTim]

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize... you need to fart.

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, & that's when you realize, you have been listening to your iPod.

[FishermanTim]

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at home. He was 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in... and then the trouble started.

[FishermanTim]

A grizzled old surfcaster and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that surfcasters are so dumb that he could put something over on them easily...So the lawyer asks if the old geezer would like to play a fun game.
The old man is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the surfcaster's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The old fisherman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the surfcaster's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the sleepy fisherman and hands him $500. The old man pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the fisherman up and asks, 'Well, what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The grizzled old surfcaster reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

[FishermanTim]

I went to dinner last week at the house of a couple of friends who are avowed democrats. I was sitting down when a political commercial came on. Their 6 year od daughter said "when I grow up , I want to be president" so I said "what would be the first thing you'd do if you were president?". She said "I'd give all the poor homeless people homes". I told her "that's admirable, honey but you don't have to wait until you're president, you could start toward that right now" and she said "how?" I said "why don't you come over to my house, rake and bag all my leaves and I'll pay you $50.00 which you can take down to the part of town where the poor homeless people spend their time and give them the $50.00 toward purchasing their home." She replied "why don't you just have the poor homeless people come over to your house, rake the leaves and give them the $50.00 for doing the work?" I said "welcome to the republican party." Her parents haven't spoken to me since.

[Gary]

Originally Posted by FishermanTim

I went to dinner last week at the house of a couple of friends who are avowed democrats. I was sitting down when a political commercial came on. Their 6 year od daughter said "when I grow up , I want to be president" so I said "what would be the first thing you'd do if you were president?". She said "I'd give all the poor homeless people homes". I told her "that's admirable, honey but you don't have to wait until you're president, you could start toward that right now" and she said "how?" I said "why don't you come over to my house, rake and bag all my leaves and I'll pay you $50.00 which you can take down to the part of town where the poor homeless people spend their time and give them the $50.00 toward purchasing their home." She replied "why don't you just have the poor homeless people come over to your house, rake the leaves and give them the $50.00 for doing the work?" I said "welcome to the republican party." Her parents haven't spoken to me since.

That is perfect.

[redcrbbr]

The Lone Ranger
was ambushed and captured
by
an enemy Indian War Party.





The Indian
Chief proclaims,



"So, YOU
are the great Lone Ranger" ..





"In
honor of the Harvest Festival,

YOU
will be executed in three days."


"Before
I kill you, I grant you three
requests"

"What
is your FIRST request
???'

The Lone Ranger
responds,

"I'd
like to speak to my horse."



The
Chief nods and Silver is brought

before
the Lone Ranger who whispers in

Silver's
ear, and the horse gallops
away.

Later that evening, Silver
returns with

a
beautiful blonde woman on
his back.

As
the Indian Chief watches,

the
blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent

and
spends the night.


The
next morning the Indian Chief admits

he's
impressed..
"You
have a very fine and loyal horse",

"But I
will still kill you
in two days."

"What
is your SECOND request
???"


The
Lone Ranger again asks to speak

to
his horse.

Silver
is brought to

him,

and
he again whispers in the horse's
ear.

As before,
Silver takes off and disappears

over
the horizon.

Later that evening, to
the Chief's surprise,

Silver again
returns, this time with a

voluptuous brunette,
more attractive

than
the blonde.



She
enters the Lone Rangers tent

and
spends the night.


The
following morning the Indian Chief

is
again impressed.

"You
are indeed a man of many talents,"

"But
I will still kill
you tomorrow."



"What
is your LAST request ???"



The
Lone Ranger responds,

"I'd like to speak to
my horse, ....
alone."

The Chief
is curious, but he
agrees,

and
Silver is brought to

the

Lone Ranger's
tent.




Once they're
alone,

the
Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,

Looks
him square in the eye and says,



Listen
Very Carefully !!!!

FOR...
THE... LAST... TIME...


I
SAID ...





"BRING POSSE"

[eastendlu]

I was in Home Depot the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look
like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Most old guys are helpful like that.

[eastendlu]

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes I do." she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes I remember."

"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"

"Yes I do", she replied.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."