Joke for today?

[johnny ducketts]

A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and talk soon turns to their adventures. The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg" he asks.
"I was swept overboard into a school of sharks, " the pirate replies. "As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit off me leg."
"Wow" replied the sailor. "What about your hook"?
"Argh, an enemy cut it off with a cutlass during a raid."
"Incredible! How'd you get the eye patch?"
"A Seagull %$%$%$%$ in my eye"!
"You lost your eye to bird %$%$%$%$?", replied the sailor.
"Yar, it was me first day with the hook!"

[2na]

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: 'Why so glum?'

Guy: 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'

Satan: 'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?'

Guy: 'Sure, I love to drink.'

Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca...We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.'

Guy: 'Gee that sounds great!'

Satan: 'You a smoker?'

Guy: 'You better believe it!'

Satan: 'All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?'

Guy: 'Wow...that's awesome!'

Satan: 'I bet you like to gamble.'

Guy: 'Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.'

Satan: 'Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow.'

Guy: 'Cool!'

Satan: 'What about Drugs?'

Guy: 'Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?'

Satan: 'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares.'

Guy: 'Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'

Satan: 'You Gay ?'

Guy: 'No...'

Satan: 'Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough...