Joke for today?

[JohnR]

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"

The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III ".

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one bicycle repairman."

The guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman? Why kill a bicycle repairman?

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart ass! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"

OK - so it's a bad joke, but I don't write 'em...

[redcrbbr]

THIS SIGN WAS POSTED AT A LOCAL GOLF CLUB

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.

Well done. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!

[redcrbbr]

> -TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You sell one and buy a bull.
> > > Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and
> > > retire on the income.
> > >
> > > ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using
> > > letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then
> execute
> > > a
> > > debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all
> > > four
> > > cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
> > > The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an
> > > intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the
majority
> > > shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your
listed
> > > company.
> > > The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option
> > > on one more.
> > > Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving
> > > you with nine cows.
> > > No balance sheet provided with the release.
> > > The public buys your bull.
> > >
> > > AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
> > > You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
> > >
> > > A CANADIAN CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > Your dairy operation is productive, and you sell 80% of the milk
> > > to the US market.
> > > The American government decides that you are taking advantage of
> > > federal subsidies to dump milk on the market below cost, and slaps
you
> > > with
> > > 25% "countervailing" duties, to protect the interests of the
> > > above-mentioned
> > > American Corporation.
> > > Angered and enraged in typical polite Canadian fashion, you cheer
> > > on the Canadian hockey team to pound the USA team 5-2 and win Olympic
> > > gold.
> > > You let out a cheer, wave the Maple Leaf a bit, then apologize for
> > > the outburst and get back to milking your cows
> > >
> > > A FRENCH CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You go on strike because you want three cows.
> > >
> > > A JAPANESE CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary
> > > cow and produce twenty times the milk.
> > > You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and
> > > market them Worldwide.
> > >
> > > A GERMAN CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month,
> > > and milk themselves.
> > >
> > > A BRITISH CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > Both are mad.
> > >
> > > AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
> > > You break for lunch.
> > >
> > > A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You count them and learn you have five cows.
> > > You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
> > > You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
> > > You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
> > >
> > > A SWISS CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
> > > You charge others for storing them.
> > >
> > > A HINDU CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You worship them.
> > >
> > > A CHINESE CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You have 300 people milking them.
> > > You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest
> > > the newsman who reported the numbers.
> > >
> > > AN ISRAELI CORPORATION
> > >
> > > So, there are these two Jewish cows, right?
> > > They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the
> > > movie rights.
> > > They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors.
> > > So, who needs people?
> > >
> > > AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > That one on the left is kinda cute...
> > >

[bloocrab]

...........Why did Piglet stare into the toilet?










.........- To look for "Pooh".

[JohnR]

thanks for the chuckle, needed it this morning

[Spare Spool]

bloo, that is too friggin funny! just had to say that.

[bloocrab]

Jay and his blonde wife live in Chicago. One winter
morning while listening to the radio, they hear the
announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of
snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered
side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Jay's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow
today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side
of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Jay's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the
radio announcer says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches
of snow today. You must park...", then the electric
power goes out.
Jay's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do."
Jay says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage
this time?"

[redcrbbr]

DEAR EMPLOYEE LETTER

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW. SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company. Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training (#^&#^&#^&#^&). We take pride in the amount of #^&#^&#^&#^& our employees receive. We have given our employees more #^&#^&#^&#^& than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough #^&#^&#^&#^& on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the #^&#^&#^&#^& you can stand. And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

[redcrbbr]

I WANT TO BE WITH YOU

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"

[JohnR]

SCROLL DOWN SLOWLY
>
>
>
>
>
>This is good...
>
>
>
>
> > Think of a letter between A and W.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.
> >
> > Keep going . . . Don't stop . .
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Think of an animal that begins with that letter.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Think of a man's/woman's name that begins
> > with the last letter in the animals name.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Almost there........
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Now count out the letters in that name on the
> > fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Take the hand you counted with and hold it
> > out in front of you at face level.
> >
> > Look at your palm very closely and notice the
> > lines in your hand.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Do the lines take the form of the first letter in
> > the persons name?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Of course not.......
> >
> > Now smack yourself in the head, get a life,
> > and quit playing e-mail games!

[fishsmith]

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home.#^& Every night Howard
goes to a secluded garden behind the centre to sit and ponder his
accomplishments and long life.

One evening Annabel, aged 87 wanders into the garden.#^& They begin
to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed.#^& After a
short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks "Do
you want to know what I miss most of all?"

She asks "What?" and he replies "SEX!!!"

Annabel exclaims "Why you old buzzard, you couldn't get it up if I held
a gun to your head."

"I know" Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for
awhile."

"Well I can oblige," says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers and
removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.#^& Afterwards they agree
to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk
and Annabel would hold Howard's manhood.

Then one night Howard didn't show up at their meeting place.#^& Alarmed,
Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was OK.#^& She
walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by
the pool with another female resident who was holding his manhood.

Furious, Annabel yelled "You two-timing creep! What does she have
that I don't have?"

Howard smiled and replied, "Parkinson's."

[Spare Spool]

Mother to daughter advice: Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

The difference between a fairy tale and a fish story is a fairy tail begins, "Once upon a time..." and a fish story begins, " This ain't no bullsh..."

[STEVE IN MASS]

Originally posted by Striper on the Brain


The difference between a fairy tale and a fish story is a fairy tail begins, "Once upon a time..." and a fish story begins, " This ain't no bullsh..." [/B]

......Funny.........

[JohnR]

What movie was that from?


Fishsmith - that one is on the borderline - remember "Family Friendly" site

[redcrbbr]

liked that one john...smack yourself in the head....lol



Children's Property Laws:

1. If I like it, it's mine
2. If It's in my hand, it's mine
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If It's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.
9. If It's yours and I steal it, it's mine.
10. If I... wait a sec... this isn't the Children's Property Laws, it's Microsoft's Business Plan.

[fishsmith]

You got it John, Don't hesitate to delete it if you want. The only waves I want to make are with my boat.

[bloocrab]

Signs of the 00's


1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You email your buddy who works at the desk next to you.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you
haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. Your reason for not staying in touch with certain friends is that they do
not have email addresses.
7. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
8. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a
business manner.
9. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial a "9" to get
an outside line.
10. You've sat at the same desk for four years -- and worked for three
different companies.
11. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
12. You have your resume on a diskette.
13. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lost all of your best
jokes.
14. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
15. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get
long-service awards.
16. Board members' salaries are higher than all the Third World countries'
annual budgets combined.
17. It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.
18. You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire.
19. You see a good looking person and you know it must be a visitor.
20. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
21. You're already late on the assignment you just got.
22. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff members your
department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time management
consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
23. Vacation time is something you roll over to next year.
24. Every week another brown collection envelope comes around because
someone you didn't even know worked there is leaving.
25. Your relatives and family members describe your job as "works with
computers."
26. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are on
your desktop.
AND THE CLINCHERS ARE:
27. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
28. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends
you send jokes to" email group.
29. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except
to send you jokes from the net.

[bloocrab]

a quick riddle???..



Mr. Robinson and his son were driving down the road one day when they were in a terrible car wreck. Mr. Robinson died on impact and they rushed his son Mark to the Emergency Room. When they arrived the doctor came in and said, "I cannot operate on him. He is my son!" How is this possible?

[bloocrab]

ok......heres the answer........






















the doctor was his mother!!!!!!.....

[STEVE IN MASS]

Mom.....
Damn....you posted that 3 seconds before I did...........

[bloocrab]

Steve, what about some weird facts....


1: The word "racecar", "kayak", and "radar" are the same
whether they are read left to right or right to left.


2: "a man a plan a canal panama"

spelled backwards is still

"a man a plan a canal panama"



3: A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.


4: A snail can sleep for three years.


5: Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.


6: Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

7: If the population of China walked past you in single file, the
line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

8: No word in the English language rhymes with "month".

9: Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

10: "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

11: The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

12: The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

13: All polar bears are left handed.

14: TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the
letters only on one row of the keyboard.

[STEVE IN MASS]

Ummm....bored Bloo? I think you and I are about the only people doing this right now................LOL

Where's that 70 degree Tuesday?............

[bloocrab]

what???.......did I hear you right??.....you want more weird facts??....


ok.....


Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!


In Tokyo, they sell toupees for dogs


Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails!


Ernest Vincent Wright wrote a novel,"Gadsby", which contains over 50,000 words - none of them with the letter E!

The praying mantis is the only insect that can turn its head!


The opposite sides of a dice cube always add up to seven!


The poison-arrow frog has enough poison to kill about 2,200 people!

A jellyfish is 95 percent water!

More Monopoly money is printed in a year, than real money printed throughout the world!

A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue!

Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!


....that last one is really hard to believe...I'll have to try it next time...

[bloocrab]

the West Wall should be lighting up about now.....Steve

....if I didn't have a dang stag and shower in an hour....I'd be there already

[STEVE IN MASS]

Don't Fret...it's pretty cold out....winds turning SW mid day tomorrow....Monday 60's, Tuesday 70+?

[Scotch Bonnet]

Speaking of praying mantis, we caught 2 in our backyard garden last year. so my wife puts them in a fish tank to see what happens. Turns out they were male and female. They end up mating 2 days later and right after there done the female starts chasing the male all around the cage. This guy is running for his life(literally). After about 40 laps around the cage she catches him. After she wrestles him down SHE STARTS TO EAT HIM. She ate every last piece of that poor sap. There happened to be a bunch of my wifes freinds there that day and they were all high five'n and hootin and hollerin'. I wanted to take that little @#$%@ outside for some justice! But after some research it turns out they need the nutrients from the males body for reproduction! I am scarred for life.

[JohnR]

Scotch - looks like the remale Prayin' Mantis practices Catch & eat too....

[redcrbbr]

To Pun Is Fun


1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
.
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
.
4. A backwards poet writes inverse.
.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your
count that votes.
.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you
A-flat minor.
.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in
Linoleum Blownapart.
.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
.
18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
.
20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
.
22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.
.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the
end.
.
24. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought
she'd dye.
.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

[redcrbbr]

1972: Long hair
2002: Longing for hair

1972: The perfect high
2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1972: KEG
2002: EKG

1972: Acid rock
2002: Acid reflux

1972: Moving to Californiabecause it's cool
2002: Moving to Californiabecause it's warm

1972: Growing pot
2002: Growing pot belly

1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1972: Seeds and stems
2002: Roughage

1972: Popping pills, smoking joints
2002: Popping joints

1972: Killer weed
2002: Weed killer

1972: Hoping for a BMW
2002: Hoping for a BM

1972: The Grateful Dead
2002: Dr. Kevorkian

1972: Going to a new, hip joint
2002: Receiving a new hip joint

1972: Rolling Stones
2002: Kidney Stones

1972: Being called into the principal's office
2002: Calling the principal's office

1972: Down with the system
2002: Upgrade the system

1972: Disco
2002: Costco

1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1972: Taking acid
2002: Taking antacid

1972: Passing the drivers' test
2002: Passing the vision test

1972: Whatever
2002: Depends

[JohnR]

Good one Red....

Subject: Sign


Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say,"I'm Stupid", That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything.

It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind didn't see your sign".

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says "Hey, you moving? " "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those
side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked "So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "No I'm delivering' a bridge... here's your sign."

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."

Anybody you know need a sign today? The next time someone says something stupid ask them where their sign is.