Joke for today?

[UserRemoved1]

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband
was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back.

He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach,
and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other.

His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh,
stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.
...............

He whispered back, "I found the remote!"

[Nebe]

L ifesavers

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first
> graders using a bowl of lifesavers. The children began to say:
> Red......................Cherry
> Yellow..............Lemon
> Green...................Lime
> Orange...............Orange
> Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After
> eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.
> "Well," she said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother
> may sometimes call your father." One little girl looked up in horror,
> spit her lifesaver out and yelled, "Oh, my God!! They're ass-holes!"

[The Dad Fisherman]

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer, could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his f**king Widow."

[eastendlu]

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
>After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.
>She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to
>spend a fortune.
>
>"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's
>been trained to give blow jobs!"
>
>"Blow jobs!" the woman replied.
>
>"It hasn't been proven, but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.
>
>The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's
>true...no more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog.
>
>When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely
>skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she
>may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
>
>In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and
>pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.
>She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the
>frog reading cookbooks.
>
>"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
>
>
>The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."

[BW from AZ]

I recieved the following email

Subject: July, 1947

Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses
claimed that an unidentified object with five
aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch
just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a
well-known incident that many say has long been covered up
by the U.S. Air Force and the federal government.

However, what you may NOT know that in the month
of March 1948, exactly nine months after that
historic day, George W. Bush, #^&#^&#^&#^& Cheney, Donald
Rumsfield, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh,
Condolezza Rice, and Dan Quyale were all born.

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep.
This piece of information may clear up a lot of things.

[justplugit]

A guy goes sky diving for the first time, learns everything there is to know and takes his first jump.
He bails out of the plane, waits a few moments and pulls his chute cord and it doesn't open!!!
He gets panicky and feverishly keeps pulling the cord.
As he is hurtling towards the ground he suddenly remembers his spare chute, pulls the cord and it doesn't open either!!!
He keeps pulling to no avail, looks down, and to his amazement sees a man flying up!

As they pass he yells to the guy," Do you know anything about skydiving???"

The guy yells back, "Nooo, do you know anything about gas stoves???"

[Goose]

A Sunday school teacher began her lesson with a question. "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"

A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.

"Really?! How do you know?" asked the teacher.

"You know – Our Father, who does art in Heaven."

[eastendlu]

[gone fishin]

It has been awhile - time to resurrect?

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so, a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from just in time to notice a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
On his arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. Because she was very attractive, he agreed.
Shortly afterward she said, "I'm about to have dinner--there's plenty. Would you like to join me?"
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal.
As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
"No," she replied. "Only those who catch my eye."

[justplugit]

LOL, thanks Don, i needed that.

[BW from AZ]

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas, who has recently been
diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth.
One of my sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a
transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and
selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two
sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas.

I have two brothers: one is currently serving a life sentence at
Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother
is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his
three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives
in Longview. She is a part time 'working girl'.

All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancé and look
forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be
totally open and honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Hilary Clinton for
President?

Signed, Worried About My Reputation

[BW from AZ]

There will be no nativity scene in the United States Congress, this year!


The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in the United States Capitol this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capitol.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

[Goose]

Welcome at Church?

Three couples--one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed--wanted to join a church. The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples all agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replied, "No problem at all, Father."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.

The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but, yep, we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest.

The priest then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.

"What happened?" inquired the priest."My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it," said the young man. "When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the priest.

"We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."

[Swimmer]

A man drowned in a tub of milk with a banana in his ear. Authorities suspect a cereal killer.

A toilet was stolen from the precinct. Police have nothing to go on.

Someone broke a hole in the nudist colonys fence. Police are looking into it.

[eastendlu]

[BW from AZ]

The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton (HRC) are on the same stage, in front of a huge crowd.

'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in this crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.



The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, Considers what he should do. "That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me……."

So the Pope slapped her upside the head.

[justplugit]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big old walnut tree inside the cemetery fence.

One day two boys, filled up a bucket of nuts and sat by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you" one for me".One for you one for me" said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding by on his bike. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.

He slowed down to investigate.. Sure enough he heard, "One for you, One for me, One for you One for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped on his bike and rode off.

Just around the corner he met an old man with a cane.
"Come here quick," said the boy, you won't believe what i heard!

"Satan and the Lord are down in the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "beat it kid can't you see i can hardly walk!"

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard,"one for you One for me. One for you one for me...."

The old man whispered, "Boy you've been telling the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were unable to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard,"One for you One for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to Town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

[eastendlu]

Whether Democrat or Republican, I think you'll get a kick out of
this!
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the
Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the
People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has
said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up
to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother
asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his
father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I
think I understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you
think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working
Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep %$%$%$%$.

[BW from AZ]

To all my friends who sent me best wishes for 2007, it did NOTHING AT all. For 2008, could you please send either money, plugs or honey hole locations.
(copied and changed to fit this board)

[BW from AZ]

A man owned a small ranch in New Mexico. The State of New Mexico
claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to
interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded
the agent.

"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with
me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook
has been here for 18 months and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and
board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and
does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week,
pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday
night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," said the agent

"That would be me," replied the rancher.

[InTheHole]

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
> There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
> "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
> The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
>
>
> The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.
> She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
> The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
> The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
>
> When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
> The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
>
> Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
> The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith"

[eastendlu]

> A ONE Question Test
>
>
> This test only has one question, but it's a
> very
> important one. By giving
> an honest answer, you will discover where you
> stand morally. The test features
> an unlikely, completely fictional situation in
> which you will have to make
> a decision. Remember your answer needs to be
> honest, yet spontaneous.
>
>
>
>
> THE SITUATION:
> You are in Miami, Florida. There is chaos all
> around you caused by a
> hurricane with severe flooding. Th is is a
> flood
> of biblical proportions.
> You are photo-journalist working for a major
> newspaper, caught in the
> middle of this epic disaster. The situation is
> nearly hopeless. You're trying to
> shoot career-making photos. There are houses
> and
> people swirling around you, some disappearing
> under the water.
>
> ----------------------------------------------
> THE TEST
> Suddenly you see a woman in the water. She is
> fighting for her life, trying
> not to be taken down with the debris. You move
> closer and she looks familiar.
> You suddenly realize it's Hillary Clinton! At
> the
> same time you notice that
> the raging waters are about to take her under
> forever. You have two
> options:
> You can save the life of Hillary Clinton or you
> can shoot a dramatic
> Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the
> death of one of the world's
> most powerful women.
>
> ----------------------------------------------
> THE QUESTION:
> Here's the question, and please give an honest
> answer......
>
>
>
> "Would you select high contrast color film, or
> would you go with the classic simplicity of
> black
> and white?"

[justplugit]

Oh my gosh, Lu, computer fell right off my lap.

[UserRemoved1]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never
been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into
her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all
things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and
its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no
longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice' he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
pointing to the bowl.
'Oh yes' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?' I was walking in through
the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the
ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it
would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter'

[InTheHole]

A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian chief, asked the
significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses.

'Feathers show number of sexual partners,' the chief replied.

Indicating a nearby young brave, he continued, 'Him? One woman, one
feather. Him?' pointing to a second, older man, 'Three women, three
feathers.'

The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. 'But you have so many feathers!'

The Chief proudly slapped his chest. 'Me Chief. Sleep with all women.
Big, small, fat, tall.'

Horrified, the female reporter said, 'You ought to be hung!'

The Chief said, 'Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake.'

The offended reporter said, 'You don't have to be hostile!'

The Chief replied, 'Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!'

The reporter cried, 'Oh, dear!'

'No deer', said the Chief. ' A$$ too high, run too fast!'

[eastendlu]

Thats was a good one ITH.

[BW from AZ]

Ever notice the roman numbers for 40 = "XL"

[eastendlu]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks him for his order.


The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,
"What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be
$9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the
exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
hamburger, fries and a coke."The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.. "The usual?" asks the
waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked
potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket
every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just
put my hand in my pocket and the right amou nt of money would always be
there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[eastendlu]

Dear Tech Support

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that
the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into
all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications
such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing
3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my
favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but
the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User (KEEP READING )


____________ _________ _________ ________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is
just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM
and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It
is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once
installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not
allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony -Child
Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the
situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to
alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\ APOLOGIZE becau se
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system
will return to normal anyway Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be
very high maintenance.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause
the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only
way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional
software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short
Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause
irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

[eastendlu]

A man and a woman who had never met before, and were
both married to other people, found themselves
assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing
a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep
quickly..... He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the
woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but
would you be willing to reach into the closet to get
me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied . "Just for
tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own #@*** blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.
The End