What would you do?

[Jimbo]

You guys are always good for some sound advice. This happened yesterday.
Get a call from my wife (works in Delaware) yesterday. Daughter Hilary (20) and boyfriend have an argument in our driveway and she tells him to leave. Goes inside, locks the door from the garage into the house, dead bolts it. He decides he's not done , blasts through the door splintering out a huge chunk of the frame and trim. She hears him coming in and goes and locks herself in her bathroom. He comes through that door also. There's a hole in the door where he kicked it. We don't know what happened next, but she's ok. He finally leaves, she calms down enough to call mom who calls me. I take 5 to digest all this and call the police for advice. I tell them I'm just calling to see how I can get the incident reported and on file somewhere so I can collect for damages and repair. I figure this is the icing on the cake, this always rocky relationship is over if I have to incapacitate the two of them. I don't necessarily want him arrested or even plan to press any charges, I just want damages and repair covered and move on with life. Police ask who the guy is and when I tell her she knows his address and description off the top of her head. Police say they want to go make sure Hilary is OK and see damage to the house. I call Hilary and let her know. Police show up, write up a report calling it "Domestic Violence" and Hilary signs it. Then they say they're off to arrest the boyfriend. I guess they saw enough to make that decision. Police arrest the boyfriend during a family get together for a sister's graduation. Now everyone's blaming (and some threatening) Hilary. Hilary is pissed at me for calling the police. Boyfriend's family and friends can't understand why I didn't contact them instead of the police to "work things out". WTF! He breaks into and does considerable damage to MY house, attacks my daughter and what??? expects we're going to shake hands and be best buds? How many Facebook and email threats does it take before I get the police involved again?

[PRBuzz]

You did right! Your daughter should stay as far away from that guy as possible and if something happens again go for the restraining order. Stop this in its tracks before next time.........probably not much you can do about the FB thing other than to keep a record. For the time being maybe worthwhile unsubscribing (your daughter) from FB???

Glad your daughter is unharmed (this time).

[BigFish]

Screw the boyfriend.....he is an ass and no good for your daughter! The heck with how your daughter feels about how you handled it.....the guy destroys your home and you are supposed to do nothing??!!! Lucky you didn't lay a beating on his ass for that!!! Never mind going after your daughter like that!!!! I would go a step further and apply for a restraining order......nip this in the bud or it will get worse! This is one way to make sure they stay apart....at least on your property and if he also has to stay "X" amount of feet away from your daughter thats a bonus too!!! I think it was perfect he got arrested in front of the entire family.......but of course they think it was your daughters fault.........sounds like a family of "Ass-Hats"!! You did right!!

If he has sent messages and threatening ones at that........get the restraining order now!!!

[UserRemoved1]

you did right. %$%$%$%$ that scumbag

[UserRemoved1]

forward the threats to the cops too. Take them all to the cleaners. You don't want this to sit. You never know which of these azzholes is going to do something and cause you harm...happens every day.

[The Dad Fisherman]

Originally Posted by Jimbo

How many Facebook and email threats does it take before I get the police involved again?

1....%$%$%$%$ him

[Slipknot]

sorry to hear that Jimbo

I would hope they make the guy get anger management of some kind

document everything
loose cannons should not be tolerated

Your daughter will thank you someday

[FishermanTim]

Your daughter is truly a victim here. He's an abusive A-hole that is trying to (if he isn't already doing so) control her.
When she starts defending ANY of his behavior, it's a sign that she is accepting the behavior as "normal" and needs to see a domestic abuse counselor to be enlightened as to what's going on.

Complaining that you called the police, particularly when HE damaged YOUR property, sounds like she wants to take him back.
BIG MISTAKE!!!!!

As for the A-hole (hopefully EX) boyfriend), pursue this as far as the law will allow. If this hasn't been an ongoing problem with them, it may help to correct his issues as well.

The monitary aspect is important, but the health and well-being of the daughter is of paramount importance. Remember, most victims of domestic abuse tend to radiate towards that type of negative behavior BECAUSE of the repeated conditioning by the abuser.

As for damages: Go after HIM and if he can't/won't pay, then go afetr his parents (provided he still lives at home).
If the daughter, after all is said and done, doesn't dump this jerk over all the objections and rationalizations given by those that care about her, then make her pay for the damage as well.

She not a "kid" anymore, and she will need to take responsibility for her well-being and her actions.

Unfortunately, "men" like this seldom "get the hint" when confronted with a restraining order, protected relatives or even the law.

Let's hope that he is an exception!

[slow eddie]

you did the right thing. maybe two and not beating the ******* out of him.
let me get this right, a man comes into your home destroys propiety, threatens your daughter and your suppose to turn the other cheek????????
i really don't think so.

[Clammer]

You did the right thing ;;


I had a similiar situation a few years ago . . they also had a fight ......... during the night he came to her window & they continued to argue . he ripped the screen ........... we heard the noise & got up . he ran away ....... OH .. this was one of the 4 times they were in a relationship ;

a couple of days later .. I got him / made him get in the truck ....................... gave him a 4 letter talking to & ended it with a one way ride .... threw him out of the truck ...
he asked how he was getting home .i told him / I don,t know or GAF ,, but it will give him time to think about his actions ;;
@ the time , everyone in the world didn,t have cell phones ..........................

the ending ........they ended up getting married & he seemed like a good husband & was ..without doubt a awesome father .

he dies @ 39 with my daughter pregnant with thier 3rd kid ..

go figure ..........

[Jimbo]

Appreciate all the support. This relationship has been going on since high school and it's no secret has turned mildly violent at times over time. Yesterday's incident I felt was really a matter of stepping way over the line. This wasn't a temper tantrum and break all your CD's and throw a shoe, he really f'd up MY property. Honest to god, the only two people who have ever felt this relationship was a good tjhing were my daughter and the guy, but they fight and argue constantly. The police warned both to stay apart and made apoint to his family and friends do not go after my daughter in any way. Hopefully it's over.

[Raven]

some women are attracted to this type of personality and will often replace
the bad one with a clone ...because of his Badness feature

i have a niece who did this 3 times

the violence was only going to escalate
but i'll bet she can also push his button

[Backbeach Jake]

An ass like that figures no one will do anything and will continue and esculate in their bad behavior until someone does do something. He chose you and yours. And his family wants to get into the act? Document and report everything to the police. I'll bet dollars to donuts that'll he'll do time before it's over and still be crying that he's the victim. You MUST protect yourself. He's a classic bully and needs to be dealt with.

[TheSpecialist]

After seeing what my little sister went through, you did the right thing, but you need to get that restraining order ASAP, take pictures of the damage and bring it with you to court for the restraining order. Then go to small claims court and file a claim against him.

[FishermanTim]

I don't want to sound like I'm defending HIM, but she also needs a talking to. She has to have an understanding that she needs to see him for what he truly is.....a bully. If she won't see facts as facts then she will most likely continue to see him secretly. He will definitely give her a sob-story about how he's a changed man and that it'll never happen again, which is always BS.

The sad ugly truth may also end up with her taking his defense, even after all that has happened. The restraining order may only be applicable to your residence. If she decides that she is going to continue to see this POS, she may also decide to move out, so that she can do what she wants. It's not the best scenario, but I would be prepared for this contingency just in case.

Keep in mind that this is based on MY family past history, and I can't speak for ypu and your daughter. If you have a close family bond she may be more inclined to listen to logic, and do what is bst for her well-being.
I hope it works out best for all involved.

Definitely go after him for the damages!

[Raven]

sound advice TIM

[PaulS]

You did right. If someone else threatens her, call the police on them also. I know you didn't want him arrested originally but he can't control his temper so its on him, not on you. Tom's advice was good also. She may be .0001% at fault for allowing this and you need to discuss this with her. Good luck.

[Jimbo]

No doubt she's a larger part of the equation than .0001%. They just push each other's buttons and it's simply astounding to me that a couple of kids couldn't realize they're miserable when they're together, especially when things have escalated to the point we're at today. Two headstrong kids who have all the answers and pretty consistently show little little respect for parents and other people's property or anyone in a position of authority or right thinking. Unfortunately there's been too many, "We'll bail you out this time". I don't like to be that person, but I don't know that it won't come to that.
I'm still appreciating all the advice.

[FishermanTim]

I always get a charge out of the "We'll bail you out THIS time" ploy.
The one that usually ends up bailing them out is the mother, who "doesn't want their baby sitting in jail" when that's EXACTLY what he/she needs!
Unfortunatley our legal system would punish the person protecting their child more than the person attacking that child. Remember the 3 strike rule? Apparently our judges have. How else do you account for so many repeat offenders that have never spent any time behind bars?

Anyway, my sentiments are still the same: I hope he smartens up and gets his act together, and she wakes up and realizes just what kind of "guy" he is.
The alternative is an escalating bouts of abuse, reconcilliation, more abuse, more reconcilliation....until......(Let's not think those thoughts.)

[Joe]

Are they both townies?

[Jimbo]

I guess we keep our fingers crossed and hope for small victories. Spoke with the guy's mother and she's agreed they will pay for repairs. Wasn't happy I called the police and I explained arresting her son was not my intention, I felt the gravity of the situation warranted a report be made and on file. The police chose to arrest him and I guess the county prosecutor will decide if they take it further than that. We both agreed we'll do what we can to keep them apart. I don't know if there's much more that we can do right now. Anyway, my mother has now been given just a few days so I'll be heading up to S. Yarmouth for a week. Things permitting I might be out on the jetty at or along WDB or within a hundred yards or so of the Bass River Bridge (W. Dennis side). Honk for a green F150 w/NJ plates.