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A Little Sox Humor....enjoy
Maybe a little dated but it IS Funny
DOUG MIRABELLI'S DAY
9:00 shakes off the cobwebs and gets out of bed
9:01 lets out blistering fart and takes 90 second piss on his hands farts 5 more times
9:03 drinks 3 raw eggs Rocky Balboa style and opens the fridge
9:05 take out leftovers from the Kowloon pupu platter for 3 he picked up last night
9:15 grunts at his wife and gives his kids 20 bucks each to leave him alone
9:17 takes a dump
9:22 sings Van Halen in the shower
9:25 shaves and leaves his goatee
9:30 takes 35 vicious cuts with his bat naked in front of the mirror, screams out loud "Dougie is going deep tonight"
9:45 puts on his cowboy boots and tight jeans and tank-top and gets ready to leave
9:50 grunts at his wife and kids and tells them he'll see them tomorrow
9:57 pulls onto Rt-1 with Led Zeppelin blaring, cuts three people off, gives the finger to all three people
10:15 pulls into Fenway park, tells clubhouse parking attendant to make sure he blocks Nomar in
10:16 puts the kid in a headlock and threatens the kid and his families' life if there is one scratch on his truck
10:22 walks into clubhouse and calls Nomar a homo for the first time today and 350th time this month, asks Nomar if he misses his boyfriend Lou Merloni
10:27 takes a sh*t, leaves door open and yells at anyone who walks by
10:30 gives Nomar a dead leg and calls him a homo
10:33 stuffs Derek Lowe in a locker and pisses on him
10:37 goes through a 10 minute hand shake with his boy Tim Wakefield
10:45 takes Pokey's headphones off and steps on them, says until he is hitting .250, no music.
10:50 Francona walks by and Dougie cuts him off and says "Is Dougie DHing the first game"
10:51 Francona runs and hides behind Schilling
10:55 Dougie tells Trot if he played 162 Games his numbers would look like this: 375 72 Hr's 52 Doubles 9 Singles 6 Walks 220 K'S
11:17 writes back response to fan's Letter "Hey P*ssy, I don't wear batting gloves because they are for p*ssies like your boyfriend Nomar"
11:30 Walks out to batting practice with a tank-top on
11:45 after no stretching steps into the cage, ignores the 5 bunts standard procedure
11:47 takes 25 cuts, hits 17 over the monster and misses the other 8
11:48 calls the batting practice pitcher a homo and tells him to go bang Nomar for mixing in a curveball after Dougie hit one onto the pike
11:55 Tackles Nomar and gives him wedgie, calls him a pickle smoker
12:00 Dougie's daily order of Double Chicken Parm from Joe Tecci's arrives
12:07 Dougie finishes Chicken Parm and pours the rest of his sauce into Nomar's locker
12:15 Tito posts lineup, Dougie sees he is not the DH, Calls Francona a p*ssy. Francona runs behind Schilling
12:25 Dougie gets naked and takes 25 swings in front of the clubhouse mirror, announcing "Dougie is going deep tonight"
12:45 Takes a sh*t, uses Nomar's 350 dollar silk shirt to wipe his a**
1:05 game starts , Dougie tells Francona he is not going to the bullpen to warm up pitchers. Francona hides behind Schilling
1:25 Dougie announces he is ready to pinch hit in the bottom of the first for Nomar.
1:45 Abe Alvarez comes in, Dougie tells him he sucks and will be back at Trenton (minor league) by 7 tonight
1:55 Dougies 4 fenway frank arrive, pays with Nomar's credit card
2:15 finishes shopping with Nomar’s credit card, maxed it out at Auto Zone
2:30 dozes off
3:30 sees they are losing and goes back to the dugout and tells whole team they suck except for him and Wakefield
3:33 announces himself ready to pinch hit
4:30 sox lose game, Dougie tells Francona he should have DH'ed him, Francona runs away
5:00 Dougie tells Nomar singles are for p*ssies
5:30 Dougie takes Batting Practice again, refuses to bunt
5:33 Dougie hit 22 pitches over the wall 11 fair, 11 foul, all pulled, he missed 15 pitches
6:00 Dougie see’s name in lineup, calls Fancona a p*ssy for batting him 8th. Francona hides behind Schilling
6:05 Dougie demands to bat cleanup
6:25 announces that Dougie is going deep tonight
6:30 dinner arrives, 2 steaks from the Capital Grille. Dougie pours steak juice into Nomar's locker, makes Derek Lowe eat the fat
6:35 Dougie gives D Lowe an atomic wedgie
7:00 tells Wakefield the show some balls tonight and don't throw anything in the dirt
7:10 scoreless first. Dougie tells Francona it must be the catching
7:25 Dougie tells fans in on deck circle he is going deep
7:27 Dougie screams at pitcher, tells him he is a p*ssy and he is taking him deep
7:30 Dougie hits bomb off the wall, coasts into second. Almost gets thrown out
7:31 Tells pitcher his fastball sucks. Tells shortstop and second baseman that he didn't get all of it
8:15 Dougie ropes a rocket to third, third baseman takes all day and still turns a double play on Dougie
8:16 fans boo Dougie
8:17 Dougie tells family of 4 to @#%$ off and steals some kids hot dog on way to dugout
8:18 Dougie is tired and is happy he hit into a double play, he did not want to run the bases anymore
9:10 Dougie strikes out on inside pitch after crushing 4 foul home runs. Calls pitcher/catcher/ump all p*ssies
9:30 9th inning. Dougie is exhausted. Walks out to the mound and calls Embree a p*ssy and tells him to just bring the heat. Dougie wants to get home
9:50 Dougie showers and walks around the clubhouse naked. Tells the Globe's Dan Shaugnessy and Gordon Edes to bl*w him
9:55 Dougie shaves and leaves a goatee
10:00 Knocks Nomar off his exercise bike. Calls him a homo singles hitter and leaves clubhouse
10:10 cuts off 4 redsox fans. Gives the bird to everyone near him
10:25 arrives at Kowloon Chinese Restaurant on Rt 1
10:45 sits down at bar and digs into his pupu platter for 3
12:00 stumbles home and parks truck on the front lawn, goes for a dip in his above ground pool
12:10 leaves tighty whitey's on his neighbor’s windshield
12:15 walks into house naked and screams "who saw my bomb I hit tonight???"
12:30 wakes up whole neighborhood
12:45 takes 35 swings naked and orders porn
12:55 pulls out bucket of KFC and gets ready for movie
1:15 Dougie passes out on couch
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