[The Dad Fisherman]

A day in the life of Red Sox Catcher Doug Mirabelli

9:00 Shakes off the cobwebs and gets out of bed.

9:01 Lets out blistering fart and takes 90 second piss on his hands -Farts five more times.

9:03 Drinks three raw eggs Rocky Balboa style and opens the fridge.

9:05 Takes out leftovers from the Kowloon pupu platter for three he
picked up last night.

9:15 Grunts at his wife and gives hid kids 20 bucks each to leave him alone.

9:17 Takes a dump.

9:22 Sings Van Halen in the shower.

9:25 Shaves and leaves his soul patch.

9:30 Takes 35 vicious cuts with his bat naked in front of the mirror
- screams out loud "Dougie's going deep tonight!"

9:45 Puts on his cowboy boots, tight jeans, and tank-top and gets
ready to leave.

9:50 Grunts at his wife and kids and tells them he'll see them tomorrow.

9:57 Pulls onto Rt 1 with Led Zeppelin blaring - cuts three people
off - gives the finger to all three people.

10:15 Pulls into Fenway Park - tells clubhouse parking attendant to
make sure he blocks Nomar in.

10:16 Puts the kid in a headlock and threatens the kid and his families' lives if there is one scratch on his truck.

10:22 Walks into clubhouse and calls Nomar a homo for the first time today and 350th time this month - asks Nomar if he misses his boyfriend Lou Merloni.

10:27 Takes a sh** - leaves door open and yells at anyone who walks by.

10:30 Gives Nomar a dead leg and calls him a homo.

10:33 Stuffs Derek Lowe in a locker and pisses on him.

10:37 Goes through a 10 minute hand shake with his boy Tim Wakefield.

10:45 Takes Pokey's headphones off and steps on them - says until he is hitting .250 no music.

10:50 Francona walks by and Dougie cuts him off and says "Is Dougie DH-ing the first game?"

10:51 Francona runs and hides behind Schilling.

10:55 Dougie tells Trot if he played 162 Games his numbers would look like this : .375 72 Hr's 52 Doubles 9 Singles 6 Walks 220 K'S.

11:17 Writes back response to fan's Letter "Hey Pussy, I don't wear batting gloves because they are for pussies like your boyfriend Nomar."

11:30 Walks out to batting practice with a tank-top on.

11:45 After no stretching steps into the cage - ignores the 5 bunts
standard procedure.

11:47 Takes 25 cuts - hits 17 over the monster and misses the other 8.

11:48 Calls the batting practice pitcher a homo and tells him to go
bang Nomar for mixing in a curve ball after Dougie hit one onto the Pike.

11:55 Tackles Nomar and gives him a wedgie - calls him a pickle smoker.

12:00 Dougie's daily order of Double Chicken Parm from Joe Tecci's arrives.

12:07 Dougie finishes Chicken Parm and pours the rest of his sauce
into Nomar's locker.

12:15 Tito posts lineup - Dougie sees he is not the DH - Calls
Francona a pussy. Francona runs behind Schilling.

12:25 Dougie gets naked and takes 25 swings in front of the clubhouse mirror announcing "Dougie's going deep tonight!"

12:45 Takes a sh** - uses Nomar's 350 dollar silk shirt to wipe his a$$.

1:05 Game starts - Dougie tells Francona he is not going to the
bullpen to warm up pitchers. Francona hides behind Schilling.

1:25 Dougie announces he is ready to pinch hit in the bottom of the
first for Nomar.

1:45 Abe Alvarez comes in - Dougie tells him he sucks and will be
back at Trenton (minor league) by 7 tonight.

1:55 Dougie's 4 Fenway Franks arrive - pays with Nomar's credit card.

2:15 Finishes shopping with Nomar's credit card - maxed it out at Auto Zone.

2:30 Dozes off.

3:30 Sees they are losing and goes back to the dugout and tells whole team they suck except for him and Wakefield.

3:33 Announces himself ready to pinch hit.

4:30 Sox lose game - Dougie tells Francona he should have DH'ed him - Francona runs away.

5:00 Dougie tells Nomar that singles are for pussies.

5:30 Dougie takes Batting Practice again - refuses to bunt.

5:33 Dougie hit 22 pitches over the wall 11 fair - 11 foul - all pulled - he missed 15 pitches.

6:00 Dougie notices name in line-up - calls Fancona a pussy for
batting him 8th - Francona hides behind Schilling.

6:05 Dougie demands to bat cleanup.

6:25 Announces that "Dougie's going deep tonight!"

6:30 Dinner arrives - 2 steaks from the Capital Grille - Dougie pours
steak juice into Nomar's locker - makes Derek Lowe eat the fat.

6:35 Dougie gives D Lowe an atomic wedgie.

7:00 Tells Wakefield to show some balls tonight and don't throw
anything in the dirt.

7:10 Scoreless first - Dougie tells Francona it must be the catching.

7:25 Dougie tells fans in on deck circle he is going deep.

7:27 Dougie screams at pitcher - tells him he is a pussy and he is
taking him deep.

7:30 Dougie hits bomb off the wall - coasts into second, almost gets thrown out.

7:31 Tells pitcher his fastball sucks - tells shortstop and second
baseman that he didn't get all of it.

8:15 Dougie ropes a rocket to third - third baseman takes all day and still turns a double play on Dougie.

8:16 Fans boo Dougie.

8:17 Dougie tells family of four to f*** off and steals some kids hot
dog on way to dugout.

8:18 Dougie is tired and is happy he hit into a double play - he did
not want to run the bases anymore.

9:10 Dougie strikes out on inside pitch after crushing four foul home
runs - calls pitcher, catcher, and umps all pussies.

9:30 9th inning - Dougie is exhausted - walks out to the mound and
calls Embree a pussy and tells him to just bring the heat - Dougie wants to get home.

9:50 Dougie showers - and walks around the clubhouse naked - tells the Globe's Dan Shaugnessy and Gordon Edes to blow him.

9:55 Dougie shaves - and leaves a soul patch.

10:00 Knocks Nomar off his exercise bike - calls him a homo singles
hitter and leaves clubhouse.

10:10 Cuts off four Red Sox fans - gives the bird to everyone near him.

10:25 Arrives at Kowloon Chinese Restaurant on Rt 1.

10:45 Sits down at bar and digs into his pupu platter for 3.

12:00 Stumbles home and parks truck on the front lawn - goes for a dip in his above ground pool.

12:10 Leaves tighty whiteys on his neighboor's windshield.

12:15 Walks into house naked and screams "Who saw my bomb I hit tonight?"

12:30 Wakes up whole neighborhood.

12:45 Takes 35 swings naked and orders porn.

12:55 Pulls out bucket of KFC and gets ready for movie.

1:15 Dougie passes out on couch.